I wanted to create a separate post just for the letters we have written to Grace thus far. Here it is.
September 2010
My dearest Grace Noel,
I am so happy that God has given me your name this year. I love calling you by your God-given name. It is precious. You are absolutely precious. It is so emotionally difficult to write this letter to you because of my great sorrow of the circumstances that now bring me to write you this letter. I long to express many things that I never had the opportunity to say to you in person.
I love you. I loved you twenty four years ago. However, I didn’t know what true, sacrificial love really was back then. I had much to learn about love. And I had a lot of overwhelming fears that God has been working for many years to free me from. I am so sorry I sacrificed your earthly life for the safety and comfort of my own. Will you please forgive me? I know I have asked this of you many times before, but I cannot go on in this letter without asking it again.
I often wonder what you may have looked like. Would you look more like your daddy or me? Or would you be a nice mixture of the both of us. Your brother, [ ], looks just like me, and your brother, [ ], looks like your dad. And your sister, [ ], is a beautiful mixture of the both of us. Would you have looked like her?
Each year, I think about how old you would be and wonder what you would be doing in your life? This year, as your cousin [ ], who is the age you would be, had her first baby, I wonder if you may have also been having your first baby and our grandchild.
I’m sorry I never held you in my arms, fed you at my breast, or held your hand. I’m sorry I never comforted your scraped knee, covered your face with kisses, or hugged your tears away. If I could do all that now, I would. I have cried countless tears for you.
You are my first. You are the child that I now always feel like I am missing. You are the child I still long for. Oh, if I could bring you back, I would.
I want to tell you how much I look forward to the day when we will be reunited. The day when I will see you face to face. I imagine the completely overwhelming joy that will pour through my heart, mind, and soul at the sight of you. I imagine hugging you so tightly, kissing you, loving you. I imagine you looking at me with equal joy and a smile on your face. I thank God for that vision and His current assurance in my heart that you do not resent me or hold against me what I did. I thank Him for His assurance that when we come together in His presence, only forgiveness, love, and extreme joy will be among us. After my greeting with you, I envision moving aside to allow your daddy and your brothers and sister the same privilege. And I will be so inexplicably happy to have our family truly all together. God knows how important it is for me for my family to be all together in the here now. How much more so it will be that day in the future!
Grace Noel, I know that God formed your inward parts; He wove you in my womb. You were fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are all of God’s works. Your frame was not hidden from Him, when you were made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth. God’s eyes saw your unformed substance even though my eyes never had that privilege. And in His book were written all the days that were ordained for you, when as yet there was not one of them. I know that you are forever a part of me that can never be forgotten or denied. You are absolutely beautiful and glorious in His sight and in mine. Until we see each other again, I will lovingly hold you close in my mind, heart, and soul.
I love you!
Mom
My little angel Grace,
I love you very much. I am saddened by the decision I made those many years ago. That decision kept me from seeing you grow up. I think back on seeing your brothers and sister grow up, and I am grieved to know I missed your first step, your first words and you saying daddy for the first time. I’m sorry to say that I tried to block the memory from my mind in order to not suffer pain or grief. These many years later I realize how wrong I was. I ask your forgiveness.
I do have hope, though; as God has showed me that I will be reunited with you one day. That will truly be a glorious day. I long for the day to hear my first child call me daddy.
I love you,
Daddy
April 20, 2010
My dearest Grace,
I loved you then, and I love you now. I will never stop loving you. You have always been and will always be an important part of my life. Forever, you have touched and changed in some way every part of me and who I am. Even though your life was very short on this earth, your life made a great impact. Your life certainly had a lot of meaning. Oh my sweet child, my arms will always long to hold you—they ache to hold you and hug you. I long to look into your face, to know you, to speak to you, to let you look into my eyes and see how sorry I am for what I did and let you know how much you mean to me. Thoughts of you in my mind are never far. I miss you and look forward to seeing you in the future when we meet in heaven. Until then, I will have my thoughts of you, and I will thank you for touching my life so deeply forever. What an honor I had to carry your life in my womb for those brief six weeks. You are a part of me forever. I love you. Until we see each other,
Love you lots,
Mom
And Grace, I will never understand why things turned out the way they did 25 years ago. I don’t know why my fears had to overcome my making the decision to let you grow and be born. The thoughts of it all grieve me, and I am so sorry it all turned out the way it did. But I’m also certain that God’s grace covers my decision and your death and that in the future all that will not be a barrier between us. Oh, beautiful Grace, I so love you and miss you. I’m always envisioning your little body as it would have looked 25 years ago today. Your little heart beating, your tiny feet and hands. Oh, so sweet and precious. I can’t even imagine how you will look in the future when I see you. But I’m going to be so happy to see you!! Joy, oh joy!
Love you lots and lots,
No comments:
Post a Comment
All comments will be moderated by the author. Thank you.