In September 2009, I excitedly began working on this blog. Over the last few years, writing has become my outlet. And I desperately needed one during this time to express all that was swirling within me regarding my abortion and the post abortive study.
On September 20th, I write in my journal that I’ve made the decision to release my husband from any involvement in the post abortive study, the healing process, and the upcoming memorial service for the baby. It is not an easy decision to make. But I continue to have the feeling that he does not really want to be a part of it; maybe it’s too difficult for him, and he’s not ready to deal with it now. Just because it is my God-ordained time to face this head on does not mean that it is also his time. So, I made the difficult decision to remain silent and continue to walk through it with God as my constant companion and use the blog as an outlet for all the things I must express.
September 20, 2009
I have to work hard against resentment and bitterness. I really do. I’m so hurt about it. It’s awful. But I guess this is the way it must be. Can’t understand it, but oh well. Add that to the long list of incomprehensible things…It’s very hard not to be angry. I must not dwell on it. This will all be for my benefit, and God will continue to be my special one and only partner in this journey down this road.
In the next chapter I worked on in the study, “Forgiven and Set Free”, Linda Cochrane states:
“Many times after an abortion women have great difficulty accepting God’s forgiveness. They are forgiven yet continue to walk in condemnation. They have asked for God’s forgiveness but have difficulty receiving it. Women who regret their decision for abortion may struggle with feelings of unworthiness for having chosen abortion. Many think they are branded with a scarlet letter A. Others may try to earn their forgiveness by working for it. God sent his Son to set us free from the bondage of our sin. Feeling unforgiven is very often caused by feelings of guilt.”
In keeping it real, I’ll share that the first question in this chapter struck a nerve of annoyance with me. And I ended up getting on a “soap box” when I wrote about it in my study spiral. The question which really struck that never was: “Understanding where you were spiritually when you chose abortion may help you in accepting God’s forgiveness. If you were not a Christian when you chose abortion, how do the following verses help you understand the reasons for your choice?”
To me, that question suggested that just because we’ve prayed some magic prayer, and with our minds and mouths have acknowledged we believe in God and in Christ, that we should then immediately be able to behave Christ-like and with great wisdom. Not necessarily so. I prayed that special prayer when I was around 14 years old. I had always believed in God, and when I was 14 I prayed to “accept Christ into my heart”… but what foolishness that seemed like in light of the fact that I still did terrible things after that prayer. Two years later, I was having an abortion. I was a Christ-believer having an abortion. However, the truth is that I had no real relationship with Christ. I had no real walk with my Lord. I didn’t listen for Him or hear Him. I lived for myself and for my own desires, and I did whatever I felt like doing and whatever I thought would make me happy. The true, lasting change in me and in the relationship with Him did not come for many years later. It did not come until He opened my eyes and took some of my stubbornness away. It did not come until He granted me the eyesight to see differently and the ability to choose differently in my life. I believed in God and in Christ—but I did not know them. I did not know my Father God at all. And I did not know my Savior Christ at all. “Believing” with our minds is one thing but knowing from experience and relationship is a totally different thing. Change in our character can only come from Him as He works in us and molds us. We are His clay and He is the potter. We are His handiwork and His masterpiece.
“Have you been trying to work for your forgiveness? Many women try to atone for their abortion by having another baby soon after their abortion. Others become supermoms or workaholics. Trying to atone for your mistakes and feeling unforgiven go together.” (pg. 91 in study book)
Just as real, enduring change in our character can only come from God’s work in us, atonement also only comes from God. Atonement is the act of making amends for an offense. It is Jesus Christ, God’s son, who is THE atonement for ALL our failures. There is nothing I can do in this earthly life that could ever atone for taking the life of Grace Noel. It was Jesus Christ, the Savior of the whole world, who became the atonement for every one of my failures and those of all humanity.
“Yet all is of God, Who conciliates us to Himself through Christ, and is giving us the dispensation of the conciliation, how that God was in Christ, conciliating the world to Himself, not reckoning their offenses to them, and placing in us the word of the conciliation. For Christ, then, are we ambassadors, as of God entreating through us. We are beseeching for Christ's sake, "Be conciliated to God!" For the One not knowing sin, He makes to be a sin offering for our sakes that we may be becoming God's righteousness in Him.” (2 Corinthians 5:18-20)
There is nothing I can ever do that will “pay back” to God or to Grace the worth and the value of her life that I ended. However, I can give God totally free reign in my life for Him to do His work of redemption, entrusting myself in His hands with regards to the abortion and every other thing in my life. He will bring forth His redemption and use this terrible act as a thing for future good. It is His doing and His work; it is not my own.
The last section of the “Forgiveness” chapter focuses on “Your Baby” and was a preparation for the upcoming memorial service our post abortive group was going to have the next week. The author starts off the section suggesting naming your baby because:
“A name brings order to the chaos of these emotions, gives a focus for the grief, and opens the floodgates for years of unexpressed grief to be released. A name restores dignity to the broken image of the unborn.” (pg. 95)
I have to say that naming my baby has made a huge difference in my life during the past year. She has a name that I can call her by, and her name has special meaning. Grace Noel deeply marked my life, and therefore, she is also making an impact in whoever’s life I touch now or in the future.
The study book author also suggested writing a letter to God about the baby. Rather than writing a letter to God, I chose to write a letter to Grace. I had said plenty to God about my emotions. It was time to speak to Grace. That letter was a very difficult and emotional thing to accomplish. I cried many, many tears during the process.
September 23, 2009
I began the letter…completely overwhelming and agonizing. So overwhelming I feel faint and like I want to pass out. So I’m going to stop for now and take a break.
September 25, 2009
September 24th had been quite emotionally loaded with a post abortive group meeting in the morning and a different Bible study group meeting in the evening. But there was something during that evening’s Bible study group meeting that I felt was so important in my journey that I want to include it here. One of the ladies in the group was discussing the great sorrow of Jacob in the Old Testament when Jacob was going to have to send his beloved son Benjamin to Egypt because Joseph (in Egyptian disguise) had demanded it (Genesis 42-46). Jacob thought Joseph was dead and so he loved and held on to Benjamin desperately as his last son from his beloved Rachel. He did not want to let Benjamin go to Egypt with his brothers, but if they were going to get any more grain to survive the famine, then he must send him as had been ordered. It was brought up during the Bible study group discussions that Jacob expressed his sorrow by saying, “If am bereaved of my children, I am bereaved” (Genesis 43:14). The lady who brought this up mentioned that the Hebrew word for bereaved had a similar meaning to that of abortion.
I wrote in my journal:
Oh my gosh! Some things suddenly came together there for me, and it was very difficult to contain myself and hold my tears back as the welled up in my eyes. All at once, I was thinking about my great sorrow over Grace Noel, and how I related to Jacob being bereaved, how bereaved I am, and that my bereavement certainly has to do with an abortion.
So this morning, I had to look for the verse where that occurs in the Scriptures. Genesis 43:14: “And may El Who Suffices grant you compassion before the man, so that he sends back with you your brother and Benjamin. As for me, if I am to be bereaved, I shall be bereaved.”
I went to the Interlinear and looked up the word for bereaved. It says it is the Hebrew word “shakol” (H7921) – a primitive root. properly, to miscarry, i.e. suffer abortion; by analogy, to bereave (literally or figuratively) as in the loss of child, etc…
It is God’s will that I am currently bereaved. I do not even pretend to know why. I do not know why He allowed me to have the abortion, why He didn’t intervene (because I know He could have), or why this has all had to be this way…He is doing a great work and teaching a great lesson. I can only take it one day at a time. It is overwhelming.
On September 25th, I also went shopping for some things that I wanted to purchase for the post abortive group memorial service. Oh, that was such a difficult shopping experience! I went looking for a figurine and a candle holder. I wrote the following in my journal:
Well, it took me a looonnng time to decide on which figurine to choose. There was one that made me want to weep, in which a mom is sitting and holding her newborn baby right under her head and up so close to her face. It was called a Guardian Angel. The name wasn’t right, but as I looked at it, I LONGED for that to be me holding Grace Noel. I was tempted to get that one, but I also told myself that I didn’t deserve it and that it wasn’t right because I didn’t hold Grace Noel. I kept looking for a Grace figurine.
I finally found a large tall one called Healing Grace. She is looking down and to the side and holding her arms crossed, close to her chest. Her arms are empty and seemed to be longing to hold, as mine are for Grace Noel. I was torn for the longest time and kept looking around the store over and over at all the figurines and looking for a container in which to make into a candle. When I was looking at the figurines, they had some new candle holders and my eyes were attracted to one that spoke of love and has the face of a female holding a red heart. I thought about it but wasn’t sure. It cost so much, just to be a candle holder. Finally, I desperately asked God what figurine to buy, what to do that would be the perfect and right thing for remembering Grace Noel. And immediately to my mind came the Healing Grace figurine. So I went to get it. I stared longer at the candle holder, had it in hand but ended up putting it back. Paid for the Healing Grace and went to the bathroom. Came back up front and was drawn again to the candle holder. I decided to get it after all. I would have to purchase a small glass votive to actually put the wax into and then place the votive inside the holder. So I purchased the candle holder and went to another store looking for a votive. I also bought some parchment paper to print Grace Noel’s letter on and a little vase for the rose(s) I will buy for her for the memorial.
Throughout that whole afternoon of looking for these things, my eyes kept tearing up and it was so difficult not to break down in the stores as I thought of why I was doing all of this. And then the fact that I was having to take everything I was buying and hiding it in a bag for whenever I came home, so no one would be seeing it and asking why I had purchased those things.
September 27, 2009
Today, as I could sneak alone moments, I finished preparing things for the memorial service tomorrow. I made a candle for Grace and finished the letter. I guess I’m ready.
Next post: My Story – The Memorial Service
No comments:
Post a Comment
All comments will be moderated by the author. Thank you.