A Song - Lay It All at the Feet of Jesus

You can find complete freedom in laying all of yourself and all of your life at the feet of Jesus.  His love, His death, and His resurrection have made you free.  Here is a beautiful song expressing that truth.

Here at Your feet, I lay my past down
My wanderings, all my mistakes down
And I am free

Here at Your feet, I lay this day down
Not in my strength, but in Yours I’ve found
All I need, You’re all I need

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4lM1b_-htw

Here at Your feet, I lay my future down
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me

Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings…

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me

‘Cause I am free…here at Your feet
All I need…is at Your feet
I find peace…
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet

And I am free…here at Your feet
All I need…is at Your feet
I find peace…
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet…

Here at Your feet
I lay my life down

Next Post:  My Story – More Days of Grief

My Story - Telling Our Children

Here are the words straight from my journal about how we told our children the truth about our past and how I felt afterwards.

September 30, 2009

Yesterday was a hard day.  But I forced myself to do whatever I had to do.  I did my duties as my mind continued to replay the past, the memorial service, the break between [my husband] and I in this matter, and most of all about telling the kids.  Finally, right before dinner time, I spoke quietly to [my husband] and said that unless he had any objections I wanted to speak to the kids that night.  He looked surprised but said that he didn’t object.  We ate dinner together as a family, and I told the kids we were having a family meeting after.  I could barely eat. 

So we all sat down in the living room and just the thought of beginning made me cry.  I started to tell the kids I had some difficult things to say and asked [my husband] to pray first.  Then I began…I began to tell a terrible story of selfishness, carelessness, and disobedience.  Even as I spoke the truth, it seemed like a nightmare that it was actually happening.  It seemed like I was having a most awful nightmare telling my children the terrible thing that I had done in the past.  I did not give too many extra details, but said plenty.  I gave them the many reasons for telling them.  I told them of my unspeakable sorrow—that words cannot express.  I also told them of God’s amazing grace in my life in spite of what I did.  I showed them the figurine and candle holder and explained their meaning.  I told them they were welcome to ask any further questions or say anything at all.  I also read to them the lyrics of the song “Heal the Wound” and explained that it expressed my heart so well.   I offered for them to read the letter to Grace Noel.  [My daughter] was the only one to say anything at all, but she asked to see the letter.  So I gave her my letter and [my husband’s] letter.  She read those and the paper where I talk about the songs that meant the most to me during the past few weeks.  I showed [my husband] the certificate “Acknowledgement of Life” that I was given with Grace’s name on it and our names as her parents.  And then I announced to all that I had decided to get a tattoo in remembrance of Grace and what it was to be.  The kids’ faces looking at [my husband’s] face cracked me up!  It was a funny moment.  I asked [my husband] if he wanted to say anything to the kids, and he spoke to them a little bit.  After all was said and none of the kids seemed to want to say anything further, somehow the conversation turned into a spiritual discussion.

Sometime later, I went into my bedroom to put up the post abortive study folder with all my papers that I had taken out to living room earlier.  [My daughter] came in and asked me how abortions were done.  I explained to her that it depended on the age/size of the baby.  I explained that mine would have simply been the doctor taking a scalpel and scraping in my uterus and then suctioning everything out.  But I also explained to her about much older babies being killed in the womb first and then the mom giving birth to a dead baby.  I told her about people who have survived the abortions and about the Gianna book.  As I told her these things, the nightmare kept going.  I told her how it was like a terrible nightmare that I was having to have such a conversation with her.  She said she could leave (the room), and I said no that I didn’t want her to, that I did want her to ask anything.  I cried more and she hugged me. I pulled out the little booklet we were given in the study group with the baby pictures at different stages in the womb.  I showed her what Grace Noel would have looked like.  She looked through the book.  Then she got on this kick that she wanted me to adopt a girl.  She was fervent about it too!!  She wanted me to adopt a girl 10-14 years old to be her sister and friend.  We kind of chatted about the fact that she should have had a sister.  And then she had me get on the internet to look for orphanages in [in our state] and was also talking about the advertisement she had been hearing on the radio about people adopting orphan children.  So we ended up at a website where you could see pictures and read profiles of children awaiting adoption.  We looked for girls 9-14.  She found one she really liked about her same age.  She was begging me to adopt her.  Finally, I said I had to go to bed.  She went off with a picture of the girl and her profile information.

A Song - He Will Come and Wrap His Arms Around You

Recently, I was listening to the song “He Will Come” by Mandisa and paying close attention to the words.  I was moved by how appropriate the words were for us women who have experienced the pain and loss of abortion.

We believed a lie that abortion was the better choice for us and our babies.  We have faced dark moments and such agony of unspeakable loss.  It’s been extremely difficult expressing what we have gone through.  Either because we’ve been too ashamed or afraid to say anything or because no words can speak the grand canyon of what we think or feel.

How in the world do we share with others what we’ve done and how we feel about it? 

How can they possibly understand unless they have gone through the same thing? 

How do we express the depths and rollercoaster of the emotions that sometimes we don’t even understand ourselves?  We just know there is an aching and an emptiness that lingers on and on, and we cannot fill it.