A Song – I Absolutely Stand Amazed by Him

The third song that touched me on Wednesday was I Stand Amazed by GlassByrd.  I do stand completely amazed by God, by His boundless grace, and by His infinite love.  I am utterly humbled and more than grateful for His forgiveness and His redemption that He has given to us in Christ Jesus.  I lift all my life up to Him.  It’s His.

I bring You my heart
I bring You my praise
I bring You my broken dreams
I’ve lost along the way
I lift up my voice
I lift up my hands
I lift up the moments in my life
That I don’t understand
And I lay it at the cross
Where I’m surrounded by Your grace
And I marvel at the wonder of Your love

I stand amazed
I stand in awe
I stand forgiven in the midst of it all
Before You I bow
Before You I fall
Blessed Redeemer, sweet Savior of all
I stand amazed

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vz7GiVGTIcM

I offer You thanks
I offer my life
I offer a sacrifice of praise
When I’m scattered by the night
For You are my shelter
You are my King
You are the risen Son of God
Lord of everything

Now I’m standing at the cross
Where I’m surrounded by Your grace
And I marvel at the wonder of Your love

I stand amazed
I stand in awe
I stand forgiven in the midst of it all
Before You I bow
Before You I fall
Blessed Redeemer, sweet Savior of all

There is life in His body
There is grace in His blood
There is peace for the sinner
Given by God’s grace

Next Post:  My Story – The Post Abortive Study, Part VI

Related Posts:  A Song – Healing is Found in Knowing Him, My Story – The Post Abortive Study, Part V

A Song – Healing is Found in Knowing Him

Healing (sung by Alicia) is another song that played this past Wednesday and confirmed the feelings and truths of my experiences.  This song speaks the truth that healing is found only in our Lord Jesus Christ and our Father God.  Healing comes from knowing them.  They are the ones who can take the most broken of hearts and put it back together again, stronger than it was before.

I don’t wanna be your last resort

I wanna be your very first choice

I am able to meet your needs

Child, I can see your feeble body

I can even feel your pain

And Your healing lies in the power of my name

I am able to heal the sick

I’m able to raise the dead

I am the Lord Jehovah

The Truth, the Life, the Way

I am the sovereign Lord of all

And I hold you in My hands

Healing comes from knowing who I am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khq1Wbv8hgw

I wanna heal your broken spirit

I wanna heal your broken dreams

I am willing to ease your pain

Not one thing happens in your life

Before it passes through My hands

I control all things

So you can trust My plan

I am able to heal the sick

I’m able to raise the dead

I am the Lord Jehovah

The Truth, the Life, the Way

I am the sovereign Lord of all

And I hold you in my hands

Healing comes from knowing who I am

Your prayers don’t always work out

The way you think they should

But I promise to work all things

Together for your good

They’re for your good

I am able to heal the sick

I’m able to raise the dead

I am the Lord Jehovah

The Truth, the Life, the Way

I am the sovereign Lord of all

And I hold you in My hands

Healing comes from knowing who I am

Next post:  A Song - I Absolutely Stand Amazed by Him

Related posts:  A Song - Held Safe in His Arms, My Story - The Post Abortive Study, Part V

A Song – Held Safe in His Arms

This past Wednesday, as I was driving and listening to my iPOD, three songs played which I thought spoke so well regarding the state of my emotions and thoughts regarding the abortion experience and with regards to my latest post from Wednesday. 

This first song I’m posting, I Am Safe (sung by Natalie Grant), speaks perfectly of some of my feelings during the post abortive study weeks.  There were many times when I felt so lonely in my pain.  Who could I run to but God?  He was the only one who could fully understand what I was going through and help me through it.  I kept seeking some kind of relief, but there was none to be found except in Him.  I was certainly bleeding deeply within, and my soul was screaming in anguish.  I wanted to run away and hide while facing the intense sorrow.  I felt angry about having to pretend for everyone around me that everything was okay—that it was life as usual.  I detest pretending and all pretense, and life was far from “as usual”.  My soul was bared and rawfully exposed to God.  I knew that the only place where relief could be found would be in laying all in His hands and letting Him deal with my broken heart, my scars, and my shame.

My Story - The Post Abortive Study, Part V

The longer I walked on this healing journey with the post abortive study, the more I needed to talk and share with someone each day.  I wanted that someone to be my husband, but he seemed so distant with regards to this area.  I wanted him to ask me about it and be really interested in what was happening every step of the way, but he did not ask.  I didn’t want to bother him with all my pain, so I remained silent and did not approach him on the subject.   Much later on, I would find out he thought I would have brought it up to him if I wanted to talk about it, and if I wasn’t bringing it up to him, he thought I must not have wanted to talk about it.  I felt the same way with him remaining silent.  So during the remainder of the study weeks, we did not discuss anything in depth about the abortion or the study, and my feelings were deeply hurt about it and I did begin to feel resentful.  Occasionally, I would mention a little something about the study or my feelings to see if it would get a good conversation going, but it did not.  I felt like he had “checked out” on me.  [After the study ended, we openly discussed these things and cleared up all the miscommunication confusion.]

My Story – The Post Abortive Study, Part IV

The next chapters I worked in the post abortive study book were on “anger” and on God’s ability to hear and see all things.  I am certain that anger is a big thing with many post abortive women.  There could be anger directed at the people who may have forced or pushed her to have the abortion, anger with God, anger with themselves, or anger with those who performed the abortion. 

I find it strange, but anger regarding the abortion is not something that has been a problem for me.  I don’t know why, but it just has not been much of an issue.  The anger I have experienced recently has more to do with the stigma in our society of being a post-abortive woman—the scarlet letter “A” we silently wear and hide and the silence about our loss.  I’ll share more about that later.

Regarding the anger questions, I expressed the following:

My Story – The Post Abortive Study, Part III

One of the chapters in the Forgiven and Set Free study book focuses on discovering more about the character of God.

The first section in the chapter discusses how God is the great Provider—Jehovah Jireh (Genesis 22:1-14).  One of the questions asked me to explain in what ways God had provided for me regarding my abortion experience.  I answered in the following way:

September 3, 2009

God has provided in so many ways.  He has “seen to it” (Jehovah Jireh) in so many ways.  He provided and gave me [my husband], a man who stood by me and loved me so very much and has taken care of me over the last 24 years.  God provided care that my womb would not be damaged and that it could bear more children.  He’s provided freedom from fear of man, that I may be free from that fear ruling my decisions and my life.  He gave me three more beautiful children.  He knew all I could be past who I was back then.  He knew all He would provide and do with me and who He would grow me up to be in the future past who I was back then.  I know He will comfort me, grow me, teach me, and mold me as I walk this valley of regret and sorrow over Grace Noel’s loss.  I trust in this journey we take now because He is doing something.  I know He is!  And He will be glorified.

My Story - It’s Been 25 Years…

As I sat down to journal this morning, I realized what day today was and the reminder today holds.  It’s been 25 years since my Grace Noel died.  I know I haven’t continued on with the rest of my story yet, and I will, but I wanted to post something for my Grace today.  As I sat down to journal and wrote the date, words from my heart flowed forth…

My dearest Grace,

I loved you then, and I love you now.  I will never stop loving you.  You have always been and will always be an important part of my life.  Forever, you have touched and changed in some way every part of me and who I am.  Even though your life was very short on this earth, your life made a great impact.  Your life certainly had a lot of meaning.  Oh my sweet child, my arms will always long to hold you—they ache to hold you and hug you.  I long to look into your face, to know you, to speak to you, to let you look into my eyes and see how sorry I am for what I did and let you know how much you mean to me.  Thoughts of you in my mind are never far.  I miss you and look forward to seeing you in the future when we meet in heaven.  Until then, I will have my thoughts of you, and I will thank you for touching my life so deeply forever.  What an honor I had to carry your life in my womb for those brief six weeks.  You are a part of me forever.  I love you.  Until we see each other,

                                                              Love you lots,

                                                                          Mom

And Grace, I will never understand why things turned out the way they did 25 years ago.  I don’t know why my fears had to overcome my making the decision to let you grow and be born.  The thoughts of it all grieve me, and I am so sorry it all turned out the way it did.  But I’m also certain that God’s grace covers my decision and your death and that in the future all that will not be a barrier between us.  Oh, beautiful Grace, I so love you and miss you.  I’m always envisioning your little body as it would have looked 25 years ago today.  Your little heart beating, your tiny feet and hands.  Oh, so sweet and precious.  I can’t even imagine how you will look in the future when I see you.  But I’m going to be so happy to see you!!  Joy, oh joy!

                                                           Love you lots and lots,

                                                                                 Mom

I so thank God that He has done such a redeeming work in my life over the last 25 years!  He is The Great Redeemer!