My Story - The Post Abortive Study, Part I

As I enter this most recent part of my life and its details, I am probably going to have to do a great deal of summarizing.  The journal pages go on and on, and I think I have written way too much to include it all in this blog.  I probably have enough pages of emotions, thoughts, and events for a book.  However, summarizing will be difficult to do because every step has been an important one in facing the grief, allowing the mourning, coming to acceptance, and finding healing.

My initial thoughts and impressions right after the first group meeting of the post-abortive Bible study were:

My Story - God Moves Toward Healing, Part 2

This past summer, I came across Gianna Jessen’s YouTube videos.  I also read her biography, Gianna by Jessica Shaver.  The pro-life message seemed to constantly be all around me from all kinds of different directions.

June 17, 2009

“Last night, I got really sad thinking about my first baby and how there is nothing I can do to change what I did.  I can’t bring my baby back—my baby’s life back.  Oh, it really upset me and despaired me for a moment last night.  Oh, why did I go through with it??  Why didn’t I change my mind?  Why did I let fear rule my behavior and decisions?  I kept thinking about where God is leading in all of this.  Wondering why all this abortion and pro-life stuff is so strong in my life right now.  What it all means, and what is going to happen.  I thought and wondered again if I am supposed to be telling my children and my family?  If God is waiting to get me to that point?  I so want to be a voice of encouragement to others who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant.  But I really can’t do that very well without being completely forthright with what I’ve gone through myself.  That I speak from experience.  I want to write about it and the sorrow and regret over it all.  Then and now…  What is the meaning…?”

My Story - God Moves Toward Healing, Part 1

I’ll fast forward now to the summer and fall of 2008.  I was given a diagnosis of being in the early stages of osteoporosis so I began taking walks as much as possible in an effort to strengthen my bones. 

During my walks through the neighborhood, I would always go by a house where there was this particular van parked.  The van had a logo on it advertising what seemed to be a pro-life organization.  My curiosity was peaked.  There was a website listed on the logo, and I looked it up on the internet.  The organization offered help to people in the areas dealing with sexual and pregnancy education, crisis pregnancies, post abortion recovery and such related things.  I began to ponder the possibility of volunteering to help other women and teen girls who found themselves in crisis pregnancies.  The thought began to hound me.  Actually, I should really say that “The Hound of Heaven” began to fill my mind with these thoughts and wouldn’t let me forget them.  God was surely moving me in a very particular direction.

My Story - The Subsequent Years

My niece was born just a few days after my abortion.  That has always been thought provoking for me.  I feel an extra connection with my niece and I believe it is related to that.  When I look at her life, I think about my child and see at what stage of life she would have been.    

After the abortion and the very few entries written in my diary right afterwards, I didn’t write again for a couple of years.  When I did write, I explained that my boyfriend and I had married, and I write about the death of a very dear friend of mine.  After that, I gave up journaling for a very long time—10 years. 

I continued to live life in whatever way I wanted and pleased me and made some other regrettable decisions along the way.  For a few years, I still believed abortion was okay in the first trimester.  I kept trying to justify and feel okay about the decision I had made.  However, as time went on, God changed my heart.