Writing Delays

It has been a long time since I've been able to write for this blog.  Life has been so full and so busy.  I can hardly keep up with all the demands of each day.  God willing, I hope to be able to write my next post sometime soon and continue telling my personal story.  I long to catch up because I want to arrive at present day and tell about the immense peace that God has granted with regards to the loss of Grace Noel.  

Thanks for reading and for your patience.  I pray that this blog is a blessing and a hope to you.

A Song - Lay It All at the Feet of Jesus

You can find complete freedom in laying all of yourself and all of your life at the feet of Jesus.  His love, His death, and His resurrection have made you free.  Here is a beautiful song expressing that truth.

Here at Your feet, I lay my past down
My wanderings, all my mistakes down
And I am free

Here at Your feet, I lay this day down
Not in my strength, but in Yours I’ve found
All I need, You’re all I need

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z4lM1b_-htw

Here at Your feet, I lay my future down
All of my dreams, I give to You now
And I find peace, I find peace

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me

Here at Your feet, I lay my life down
For You my King, You’re all I want now
And my soul sings…

Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
Oh, to dwell and never leave
Jesus, Jesus, at Your feet
There is nowhere else for me
There is nowhere else for me

‘Cause I am free…here at Your feet
All I need…is at Your feet
I find peace…
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet

And I am free…here at Your feet
All I need…is at Your feet
I find peace…
We’re at Your feet
We’re at Your feet…

Here at Your feet
I lay my life down

Next Post:  My Story – More Days of Grief

My Story - Telling Our Children

Here are the words straight from my journal about how we told our children the truth about our past and how I felt afterwards.

September 30, 2009

Yesterday was a hard day.  But I forced myself to do whatever I had to do.  I did my duties as my mind continued to replay the past, the memorial service, the break between [my husband] and I in this matter, and most of all about telling the kids.  Finally, right before dinner time, I spoke quietly to [my husband] and said that unless he had any objections I wanted to speak to the kids that night.  He looked surprised but said that he didn’t object.  We ate dinner together as a family, and I told the kids we were having a family meeting after.  I could barely eat. 

So we all sat down in the living room and just the thought of beginning made me cry.  I started to tell the kids I had some difficult things to say and asked [my husband] to pray first.  Then I began…I began to tell a terrible story of selfishness, carelessness, and disobedience.  Even as I spoke the truth, it seemed like a nightmare that it was actually happening.  It seemed like I was having a most awful nightmare telling my children the terrible thing that I had done in the past.  I did not give too many extra details, but said plenty.  I gave them the many reasons for telling them.  I told them of my unspeakable sorrow—that words cannot express.  I also told them of God’s amazing grace in my life in spite of what I did.  I showed them the figurine and candle holder and explained their meaning.  I told them they were welcome to ask any further questions or say anything at all.  I also read to them the lyrics of the song “Heal the Wound” and explained that it expressed my heart so well.   I offered for them to read the letter to Grace Noel.  [My daughter] was the only one to say anything at all, but she asked to see the letter.  So I gave her my letter and [my husband’s] letter.  She read those and the paper where I talk about the songs that meant the most to me during the past few weeks.  I showed [my husband] the certificate “Acknowledgement of Life” that I was given with Grace’s name on it and our names as her parents.  And then I announced to all that I had decided to get a tattoo in remembrance of Grace and what it was to be.  The kids’ faces looking at [my husband’s] face cracked me up!  It was a funny moment.  I asked [my husband] if he wanted to say anything to the kids, and he spoke to them a little bit.  After all was said and none of the kids seemed to want to say anything further, somehow the conversation turned into a spiritual discussion.

Sometime later, I went into my bedroom to put up the post abortive study folder with all my papers that I had taken out to living room earlier.  [My daughter] came in and asked me how abortions were done.  I explained to her that it depended on the age/size of the baby.  I explained that mine would have simply been the doctor taking a scalpel and scraping in my uterus and then suctioning everything out.  But I also explained to her about much older babies being killed in the womb first and then the mom giving birth to a dead baby.  I told her about people who have survived the abortions and about the Gianna book.  As I told her these things, the nightmare kept going.  I told her how it was like a terrible nightmare that I was having to have such a conversation with her.  She said she could leave (the room), and I said no that I didn’t want her to, that I did want her to ask anything.  I cried more and she hugged me. I pulled out the little booklet we were given in the study group with the baby pictures at different stages in the womb.  I showed her what Grace Noel would have looked like.  She looked through the book.  Then she got on this kick that she wanted me to adopt a girl.  She was fervent about it too!!  She wanted me to adopt a girl 10-14 years old to be her sister and friend.  We kind of chatted about the fact that she should have had a sister.  And then she had me get on the internet to look for orphanages in [in our state] and was also talking about the advertisement she had been hearing on the radio about people adopting orphan children.  So we ended up at a website where you could see pictures and read profiles of children awaiting adoption.  We looked for girls 9-14.  She found one she really liked about her same age.  She was begging me to adopt her.  Finally, I said I had to go to bed.  She went off with a picture of the girl and her profile information.

A Song - He Will Come and Wrap His Arms Around You

Recently, I was listening to the song “He Will Come” by Mandisa and paying close attention to the words.  I was moved by how appropriate the words were for us women who have experienced the pain and loss of abortion.

We believed a lie that abortion was the better choice for us and our babies.  We have faced dark moments and such agony of unspeakable loss.  It’s been extremely difficult expressing what we have gone through.  Either because we’ve been too ashamed or afraid to say anything or because no words can speak the grand canyon of what we think or feel.

How in the world do we share with others what we’ve done and how we feel about it? 

How can they possibly understand unless they have gone through the same thing? 

How do we express the depths and rollercoaster of the emotions that sometimes we don’t even understand ourselves?  We just know there is an aching and an emptiness that lingers on and on, and we cannot fill it. 

My Story - Letters to Grace

I wanted to create a separate post just for the letters we have written to Grace thus far.  Here it is.

September 2010

My dearest Grace Noel,

I am so happy that God has given me your name this year.  I love calling you by your God-given name.  It is precious.  You are absolutely precious.  It is so emotionally difficult to write this letter to you because of my great sorrow of the circumstances that now bring me to write you this letter.  I long to express many things that I never had the opportunity to say to you in person. 

I love you.  I loved you twenty four years ago.  However, I didn’t know what true, sacrificial love really was back then.  I had much to learn about love.  And I had a lot of overwhelming fears that God has been working for many years to free me from.  I am so sorry I sacrificed your earthly life for the safety and comfort of my own.  Will you please forgive me?  I know I have asked this of you many times before, but I cannot go on in this letter without asking it again. 

My Story - The Memorial Service

Well, I’ve arrived to the part of my story where I will share about the memorial service our post abortive group had for our babies.  This is a really difficult thing to “re-live” as I type it up to post on the blog.  I sort of dread it, but at the same time, know that I shouldn’t.  It’s not easy to dwell on these painful memories and the tears want to flow again.  This will be a lengthy post.

I’ll begin with a recount of what happened the night before the day of the memorial service.

September 27, 2009

This evening, my husband and I were about to eat some dinner together, and I noticed that one of the ladies from the post abortive group had called my cell phone, and I had missed the call.  She was a young woman whom I had felt led to reach out to and love on during the study weeks.  She came to my mind often as I sensed such pain in her heart, and we went to lunch together or would converse over text or phone on occasion.  I will call her Sarah as I tell this little part of her story, although that is not her real name. I have also changed the name of the little girl.

My Story – The Post Abortive Study, Part VI

In September 2009, I excitedly began working on this blog.  Over the last few years, writing has become my outlet.  And I desperately needed one during this time to express all that was swirling within me regarding my abortion and the post abortive study. 

On September 20^th, I write in my journal that I’ve made the decision to release my husband from any involvement in the post abortive study, the healing process, and the upcoming memorial service for the baby.  It is not an easy decision to make.  But I continue to have the feeling that he does not really want to be a part of it; maybe it’s too difficult for him, and he’s not ready to deal with it now.  Just because it is my God-ordained time to face this head on does not mean that it is also his time.  So, I made the difficult decision to remain silent and continue to walk through it with God as my constant companion and use the blog as an outlet for all the things I must express. 

A Song – I Absolutely Stand Amazed by Him

The third song that touched me on Wednesday was I Stand Amazed by GlassByrd.  I do stand completely amazed by God, by His boundless grace, and by His infinite love.  I am utterly humbled and more than grateful for His forgiveness and His redemption that He has given to us in Christ Jesus.  I lift all my life up to Him.  It’s His.

I bring You my heart
I bring You my praise
I bring You my broken dreams
I’ve lost along the way
I lift up my voice
I lift up my hands
I lift up the moments in my life
That I don’t understand
And I lay it at the cross
Where I’m surrounded by Your grace
And I marvel at the wonder of Your love

I stand amazed
I stand in awe
I stand forgiven in the midst of it all
Before You I bow
Before You I fall
Blessed Redeemer, sweet Savior of all
I stand amazed

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vz7GiVGTIcM

I offer You thanks
I offer my life
I offer a sacrifice of praise
When I’m scattered by the night
For You are my shelter
You are my King
You are the risen Son of God
Lord of everything

Now I’m standing at the cross
Where I’m surrounded by Your grace
And I marvel at the wonder of Your love

I stand amazed
I stand in awe
I stand forgiven in the midst of it all
Before You I bow
Before You I fall
Blessed Redeemer, sweet Savior of all

There is life in His body
There is grace in His blood
There is peace for the sinner
Given by God’s grace

Next Post:  My Story – The Post Abortive Study, Part VI

Related Posts:  A Song – Healing is Found in Knowing Him, My Story – The Post Abortive Study, Part V

A Song – Healing is Found in Knowing Him

Healing (sung by Alicia) is another song that played this past Wednesday and confirmed the feelings and truths of my experiences.  This song speaks the truth that healing is found only in our Lord Jesus Christ and our Father God.  Healing comes from knowing them.  They are the ones who can take the most broken of hearts and put it back together again, stronger than it was before.

I don’t wanna be your last resort

I wanna be your very first choice

I am able to meet your needs

Child, I can see your feeble body

I can even feel your pain

And Your healing lies in the power of my name

I am able to heal the sick

I’m able to raise the dead

I am the Lord Jehovah

The Truth, the Life, the Way

I am the sovereign Lord of all

And I hold you in My hands

Healing comes from knowing who I am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khq1Wbv8hgw

I wanna heal your broken spirit

I wanna heal your broken dreams

I am willing to ease your pain

Not one thing happens in your life

Before it passes through My hands

I control all things

So you can trust My plan

I am able to heal the sick

I’m able to raise the dead

I am the Lord Jehovah

The Truth, the Life, the Way

I am the sovereign Lord of all

And I hold you in my hands

Healing comes from knowing who I am

Your prayers don’t always work out

The way you think they should

But I promise to work all things

Together for your good

They’re for your good

I am able to heal the sick

I’m able to raise the dead

I am the Lord Jehovah

The Truth, the Life, the Way

I am the sovereign Lord of all

And I hold you in My hands

Healing comes from knowing who I am

Next post:  A Song - I Absolutely Stand Amazed by Him

Related posts:  A Song - Held Safe in His Arms, My Story - The Post Abortive Study, Part V

A Song – Held Safe in His Arms

This past Wednesday, as I was driving and listening to my iPOD, three songs played which I thought spoke so well regarding the state of my emotions and thoughts regarding the abortion experience and with regards to my latest post from Wednesday. 

This first song I’m posting, I Am Safe (sung by Natalie Grant), speaks perfectly of some of my feelings during the post abortive study weeks.  There were many times when I felt so lonely in my pain.  Who could I run to but God?  He was the only one who could fully understand what I was going through and help me through it.  I kept seeking some kind of relief, but there was none to be found except in Him.  I was certainly bleeding deeply within, and my soul was screaming in anguish.  I wanted to run away and hide while facing the intense sorrow.  I felt angry about having to pretend for everyone around me that everything was okay—that it was life as usual.  I detest pretending and all pretense, and life was far from “as usual”.  My soul was bared and rawfully exposed to God.  I knew that the only place where relief could be found would be in laying all in His hands and letting Him deal with my broken heart, my scars, and my shame.

My Story - The Post Abortive Study, Part V

The longer I walked on this healing journey with the post abortive study, the more I needed to talk and share with someone each day.  I wanted that someone to be my husband, but he seemed so distant with regards to this area.  I wanted him to ask me about it and be really interested in what was happening every step of the way, but he did not ask.  I didn’t want to bother him with all my pain, so I remained silent and did not approach him on the subject.   Much later on, I would find out he thought I would have brought it up to him if I wanted to talk about it, and if I wasn’t bringing it up to him, he thought I must not have wanted to talk about it.  I felt the same way with him remaining silent.  So during the remainder of the study weeks, we did not discuss anything in depth about the abortion or the study, and my feelings were deeply hurt about it and I did begin to feel resentful.  Occasionally, I would mention a little something about the study or my feelings to see if it would get a good conversation going, but it did not.  I felt like he had “checked out” on me.  [After the study ended, we openly discussed these things and cleared up all the miscommunication confusion.]

My Story – The Post Abortive Study, Part IV

The next chapters I worked in the post abortive study book were on “anger” and on God’s ability to hear and see all things.  I am certain that anger is a big thing with many post abortive women.  There could be anger directed at the people who may have forced or pushed her to have the abortion, anger with God, anger with themselves, or anger with those who performed the abortion. 

I find it strange, but anger regarding the abortion is not something that has been a problem for me.  I don’t know why, but it just has not been much of an issue.  The anger I have experienced recently has more to do with the stigma in our society of being a post-abortive woman—the scarlet letter “A” we silently wear and hide and the silence about our loss.  I’ll share more about that later.

Regarding the anger questions, I expressed the following:

My Story – The Post Abortive Study, Part III

One of the chapters in the Forgiven and Set Free study book focuses on discovering more about the character of God.

The first section in the chapter discusses how God is the great Provider—Jehovah Jireh (Genesis 22:1-14).  One of the questions asked me to explain in what ways God had provided for me regarding my abortion experience.  I answered in the following way:

September 3, 2009

God has provided in so many ways.  He has “seen to it” (Jehovah Jireh) in so many ways.  He provided and gave me [my husband], a man who stood by me and loved me so very much and has taken care of me over the last 24 years.  God provided care that my womb would not be damaged and that it could bear more children.  He’s provided freedom from fear of man, that I may be free from that fear ruling my decisions and my life.  He gave me three more beautiful children.  He knew all I could be past who I was back then.  He knew all He would provide and do with me and who He would grow me up to be in the future past who I was back then.  I know He will comfort me, grow me, teach me, and mold me as I walk this valley of regret and sorrow over Grace Noel’s loss.  I trust in this journey we take now because He is doing something.  I know He is!  And He will be glorified.

My Story - It’s Been 25 Years…

As I sat down to journal this morning, I realized what day today was and the reminder today holds.  It’s been 25 years since my Grace Noel died.  I know I haven’t continued on with the rest of my story yet, and I will, but I wanted to post something for my Grace today.  As I sat down to journal and wrote the date, words from my heart flowed forth…

My dearest Grace,

I loved you then, and I love you now.  I will never stop loving you.  You have always been and will always be an important part of my life.  Forever, you have touched and changed in some way every part of me and who I am.  Even though your life was very short on this earth, your life made a great impact.  Your life certainly had a lot of meaning.  Oh my sweet child, my arms will always long to hold you—they ache to hold you and hug you.  I long to look into your face, to know you, to speak to you, to let you look into my eyes and see how sorry I am for what I did and let you know how much you mean to me.  Thoughts of you in my mind are never far.  I miss you and look forward to seeing you in the future when we meet in heaven.  Until then, I will have my thoughts of you, and I will thank you for touching my life so deeply forever.  What an honor I had to carry your life in my womb for those brief six weeks.  You are a part of me forever.  I love you.  Until we see each other,

                                                              Love you lots,

                                                                          Mom

And Grace, I will never understand why things turned out the way they did 25 years ago.  I don’t know why my fears had to overcome my making the decision to let you grow and be born.  The thoughts of it all grieve me, and I am so sorry it all turned out the way it did.  But I’m also certain that God’s grace covers my decision and your death and that in the future all that will not be a barrier between us.  Oh, beautiful Grace, I so love you and miss you.  I’m always envisioning your little body as it would have looked 25 years ago today.  Your little heart beating, your tiny feet and hands.  Oh, so sweet and precious.  I can’t even imagine how you will look in the future when I see you.  But I’m going to be so happy to see you!!  Joy, oh joy!

                                                           Love you lots and lots,

                                                                                 Mom

I so thank God that He has done such a redeeming work in my life over the last 25 years!  He is The Great Redeemer!

The Twitter of an Abortion

I am on the mailing list of Life Issues Institute.  This past week, I received a breaking news email from them that shocked and did not shock me all at the same time.  After all, we are living in an age of online, 24-hour instantaneous news and personal blogs, etc.

The Life Issues Institute news told of a young woman, Angie Jackson, who was undergoing an abortion procedure using the chemical drug RU 486.  She posted regular updates of her procedure on Twitter and YouTube.  She claimed to be doing the live updates to demystify abortion and show everyone how “It’s not that bad”.  In her YouTube video she keeps saying over and over again how “It’s not that bad.”  Is she trying to not only convince her audience but also convince herself?

Life Issues stated in their breaking news email:

“But over the next few days, Angie’s updates increasingly detailed bleeding, dizziness and severe pain, along with an admission that she quickly exhausted her first supply of painkillers. Though the Florida woman said she pursued abortion because of health risks, the irony is the abortion itself could have killed her and will likely leave long-term side effects. RU 486 is far from safe. At least 12 women died after taking the human pesticide, and more than 600 adverse effects have been reported to the FDA, including heart attacks, hemorrhaging, and surgery to repair damage.”

So, is abortion really “not that bad”?  By today’s wordly standards I guess that all depends on anyone’s individual and biased viewpoint and whatever suits our human preservation instincts, huh?  What a bunch of dung that is!

Let’s first take a look at the health aspects in an abortion.  It IS very possible to face any number of physical health complications from ANY abortion procedure.  Don’t let any doctor or Angie Jackson deceivingly tell you otherwise.  Abortion can be a “bad” thing, as Angie discovered in the days that followed her dose of RU 486.  The physical health complications can range from minor bleeding and cramping, to more severe bleeding and life threatening blood loss, to being made sterile for life, and even the possibility of death.

But even if people are “convinced” that physical complications are so rare that it is worth the risk of going ahead with an abortion, rather than to carry a baby to term, there are also the emotional and mental complications to seriously consider.  These complications have a much greater certainty of affecting a woman, and they will do so for the rest of her life.  Oh, they may not be evident at first or even for many years, but they are there.  These mental and emotional complications are often sneaky and do quite the silent work in our lives—more often than not, women are totally unaware of the effects and their relationship to the abortion(s) in her past. 

If you have any doubts about the painful after-effects of abortion on women, read my story on this blog or search the rest of the internet for the stories of countless others living with the pain of their past abortion(s).  Your heart will ache with them, and maybe you’ll find yourself crying with them too.

I forgive myself for my terrible mistake and know that I am also completely forgiven by God.  But there is nothing that can ever take away the pain of always feeling the loss of my child, my dear Grace Noel, and the loss of her life that never had a chance in this world.  It is an aching loss I wish upon no one.

If you are pregnant and considering abortion, please, please re-think your decision.  Go to a local pregnancy center (NOT a Planned Parenthood) that will help you and connect you with helpful resources for carrying to term and beyond.  Search some of the links I have listed on this blog.  Inform yourself about the truth of abortion and the procedures.  There are way better choices available to you.  Do you need to talk to someone and share your heart?  E-mail me.

A Beautiful Change of Heart

I plan on continuing with my story very soon, but in the meantime I don’t want to miss the opportunity to post about Abby Johnson. 

I have been so joyfully excited to see Abby Johnson speak out so boldly regarding the truth of abortion.  Abby Johnson was the former director of a Planned Parenthood abortion facility in Texas.  Last year, Abby was assisting in an abortion procedure when God suddenly opened her eyes to see the reality of what was truly taking place. 

You can go to YouTube, search for Abby Johnson, and watch some videos where she is speaking about her experience at Planned Parenthood and her change of heart.  In those videos it is grieving to hear from her own lips that Planned Parenthood does not really care one bit about women, about reducing repeat abortions, or about women taking their birth control properly—that what they really care about is the $$$ bottom line and $$$ profits. 

Since the moment that her eyes were opened, Abby has walked out of her job and away from all association with Planned Parenthood, is now speaking to the public about what abortion really is, and is reaching out to educate and help those facing unplanned pregnancies.  It is an amazing story.

You can listen to Abby’s story in a special audio program hosted by Life Issues Institute with Brad Mattes.

“A Change of Heart – One Woman’s Journey from Planned Parenthood to Pro-Life”  

Life, Writing, and Posting

It's been quite a few weeks since I have had the time to write and publish another post on this blog.  Life has been very full.  I hope that God will soon grant me more time to sit down and continue typing my story and what an awesome impact the post-abortive study had on me. 


Thank you for your patience.  I'll post again in the next few weeks.  In the meantime, do not hesitate to contact me via email with any questions or thoughts.


Blessings!