My Story - A Horrible Nightmare

I had a horrible nightmare!  I was dreaming I had another abortion.  Oh my gosh, it was a horrid dream.  I didn't know why I was having another abortion, and I kept questioning that very fact.  In my dream, I saw myself walking in what was supposed to be a Planned Parenthood and being directed to the room where the abortion would take place.  I kept thinking, “I can’t believe I’m doing this!”  And I remember telling myself, “You don’t have to do this!”  I had the procedure done and was consequently being directed to sit in a recovery area.  As I was led there and shown to where I should have my recovery, I remember seeing someone else’s drops of blood on the same bench where I was being told to sit.  I thought how nasty that was and how I didn't want to go sit there.  Throughout the entire dream I kept repeating in my mind, over and over, “I can’t believe I am having another abortion”, “Why would I do this when I hate abortion so much and have talked about hating it and being against it?” 

Baby Development Facts – Conception and Implantation

Conception and Implantation - Week 3 (Days 1-7)*

Conception happens approximately about two weeks after the first day of a woman’s menstrual period. The instant a single male sperm and a female egg unite incredible life processes immediately begin to take place. At the moment conception occurs, equal amounts of chromosomes from both the woman and man unite together into once cell and immediately begin determining the sex of the baby, the eye and hair color, and many other things. 

http://www.sciencephoto.com/media/312628/enlarge

This is an image of a sperm reaching an egg

In less than a week after conception, the resulting tiny cell will travel down from the fallopian tube and snugly implant into the lining of the woman’s uterus so that it may be able to receive nourishment.  Safely there, it will continue to divide into a larger group of cells which will rapidly begin to form all the parts of a baby.  As the cells are dividing, they actually begin to take on distinct functions that make up a human body.

Related Posts:  Baby Development Facts – Defining the Weeksof Pregnancy

*Gestation “Week 3” is counting from the first day of the woman’s last period.  “Days 1-7” count from the actual moment of conception.  For more information about this, see Baby Development Facts – Defining the Weeks of Pregnancy.

Baby Development Facts – Defining the Weeks of Pregnancy

Defining the Weeks of Pregnancy

Before I begin describing some of the stages of development, I find it really important to explain what it actually means when a woman is told “You are ___ weeks along in your pregnancy”.    

When I was expecting my babies, this was always very confusing to me:  If a human pregnancy is supposed to last for 9 months, why is a full term pregnancy stated as 40 weeks?  Isn’t 9 months equal to 38 weeks?  The doctor would tell me I was certain amount of weeks along, but I knew that I had not conceived that far back because I kept very detailed records of my cycles and was pretty certain of when I had actually conceived.  Back then, no one took the time to explain this to me.  That is why I’m taking the time to explain it here.

My Story - A Bloom for Grace

This morning, as I prayed and journaled, I realized the date…

Some of my journaling and conversations with God this morning were of the sorrowful, disheartened kind.  I long to do more to reach out to and help others, while at the same time I’m feeling so ineffective with whatever reaching out I attempt to do.  I am filled with incredible joy when I can help someone else with what I have experienced and learned in my life.  Yet, I’m not sure of how much help I’m being and have been feeling disheartened about that, wondering if my efforts are being directed in the right/wrong way. 

As I pondered those things this morning, I realized that in four days, it will have been 27 years since I aborted Grace.  Here comes another dreaded anniversary of a day I wish I could completely undo from my past. 

Abby Johnson's Story

In 2009, Abby Johnson was the director of a thriving Planned Parenthood clinic in Bryan, Texas.  By that time, she had been named Employee of the Year and invested 8 years of her life and career working for Planned Parenthood.  Her sincere desire was to help women who found themselves in need and in crisis.  In 2009, by God-incidence, Abby was asked to help an abortionist with an ultrasound assisted abortion.  For the first time, Abby observed with her eyes exactly what happens during an abortion procedure.  That moment became a tipping point for Abby.  In those brief moments, Abby faced her own crisis with her past and her present. 

Sydna Masse's Story

SydnaMasse is the founder of Ramah International.  In her past, Sydna had an abortion and years later experienced healing after going through a healing program with a crisis pregnancy center. 


After some years working with the Focus on the Family crisis pregnancy ministry, she decided to write the book Her Choice to Heal: Finding Spiritual and Emotional Peace After Abortion and she established Ramah International.  It is an organization "offering the hope of healing to abortion's wounded".  

The Ramah International website is a great resource for anyone facing an unplanned pregnancy or hurting from a past abortion.  It is also a great resource for anyone desiring to help post-abortive women. 

This link will take you to the videos where Sydna Masse shares her complete story.  May it bless and help those who watch it. 

The Sydna Masse Testimony    

A Song – In Jesus Christ, All Has Been Forgiven

In my previous post titled “My Story – The Post Abortive Study, Part IV”,  I mention of spending some time shopping for items that I wanted as remembrance of Grace and to display at the post-abortive class’ memorial service.  As I browsed the store that day in September of 2009, I happened to catch sight of a new music CD by one of my favorite artists.  On impulse, I decided to purchase it. 

As soon as I had gotten back in the car to go home, I put the CD to play.  I could hardly believe my ears as I heard the words to the very first song, “All Has Been Forgiven”.  So much was happening at the time that I did not write about it before.  Recently, I’ve been listening to that CD again, and I took the time to make a music video for the song so I could share it here.  I also placed the music video at the end of the post “My Story – Life Moves Forward”  where I state the following:

Holly's Story - Life After Date Rape

I discovered this touching video of Holly’s testimony.  She shares her story about experiencing date rape, finding out she was pregnant, seeking help at a pregnancy center, and making a decision about her pregnancy.

Holly's Story - Life After Date Rape from Pregnancy Resources on Vimeo.

My Review of the October Baby Movie

This past week I had the great privilege of joining a huge crowd of people for a preview of the movie October Baby.  My daughter accompanied me, and we arrived just in time to get decent seating.  A few minutes after our arrival, the theater was completely packed and not one seat left.  The theater personnel actually brought in a few extra chairs and set them by the handicap seats.  However, there were a handful of people still left standing.

Before the movie began, we were given a brief background on the makers of the film, Jon and Andrew Erwin.  I was touched and excited hearing about their desire and passion to make this film.

As the movie began, I was filled with anticipation.  I couldn’t even guess how the film would portray the whole topic of a young girl discovering the truth that she was adopted and alive because her mother’s abortion had been unsuccessful.  I looked forward to watching the story unfold about her search for answers and peace. 

Abortion Thoughts from August 2009

“To list THE major way that abortion has affected my life is difficult.  However, there is an inescapable and devastating sense of loss.  It is a desperate loss, because it is a loss that you can’t fix or fill.  And the fact that it was my decision and my doing that my baby is dead makes it all the worse.  I am only now beginning to fully see the huge impact that this has had upon me.   Even though, I know very well that God has forgiven me and His grace has covered it all, it is still difficult and painful.  I keep thinking that if God is really my all in all as I say He is, He would be enough to fill this aching emptiness and loss that I feel in my heart.  But maybe He doesn’t want to fill it completely.  This is part of who I am now and of the character that I have now.  I can rest assured that I am forgiven and walk in forgiveness and in His overwhelming grace.  But if I am to really be able to be empathetic and helpful to others in a similar situation, then I am not to be numb to this loss and emptiness.  No, as a mother, I will always feel this terrible loss of my first child, my little Grace Noel.  How I DESPERATELY long to go back and change what happened.  How I DESPERATELY long to go back and give life to little Grace Noel, to watch her grow up, to be her Mommy and love her like I have loved my other three children.  But I cannot.  It is too late.  I can only look forward to the day when, in the presence of God, Grace Noel and I and her daddy and her brothers and sister will greet each other and we’ll be able to speak our words of love.”  

(My thoughts in August 2009)

Operation Outcry is Asking for Your Help

Do you want to keep other women from being hurt by abortion?  

Do you long to let the courts know how much your past abortion(s) has hurt you?  

This is an opportunity to do just that!

I just received an email from Operation Outcry saying the following:

Operation Outcry, The Justice Foundation's project to annul Roe v. Wade, has already collected over 4,400 legally admissible testimonies. If you have had an abortion, join ONE MILLION VOICES by filling out the Declaration form.

Operation Outcry is calling forth A HAILSTORM OF WOMEN'S VOICES  to demonstrate the magnitude of the harm from abortion.  This legal evidence (Declarations) will be taken to the Supreme Court when it considers abortion again. Women can choose to disclose their full name, first name, or initials only.  Their personal contact information will always be kept confidential.

If you know women who have had abortions, please ask them to join with us, as together we are...Touching Hearts, Changing Lives, and Restoring Justice.

A Song – “Lucy” by the band Skillet

I thought today would be an appropriate day to post this music video.  The first time I heard the song“Lucy”, I thought of how sad it was.  What had happened to this Lucy and what had this person done to her to have so much regret?  One day I was in the car with my son, and the song came on the radio.  I mentioned to him how I found the song to be quite depressing.  That is when he told me that "Lucy" was about a young couple who had chosen to have an abortion.  Immediately, I wanted to weep and tears welled up in my eyes.  After that day, I gladly listen to “Lucy” and sing it to God and my little Grace. 

I found the following YouTube video to be an excellent interpretation of what it’s like to live with the regret of abortion. 

My Thoughts on the 39th Anniversary of Roe vs. Wade

Today marks the 39th anniversary of the Roe vs. Wade court decision which legalized abortion and gave women the right to choose whether to let their babies live or die. I can passionately and honestly say that I wish I had never been given such a devastating right. It was an atrocious right which has only brought painful heartache, intense regret, and countless tears.

My Story - A Testimony for Texas

In July of 2011, the Operation Outcry organization sent out an email saying that there was a court battle happening for a 2011 Texas law that required doctors to show and describe ultrasound images to a woman and to allow her to hear her baby’s heartbeat prior to an abortion.  The law had been enacted in 2011 but a group of medical providers (who probably had a lot of money to lose) fought against the law and had it blocked.  Operation Outcry stated in their email that any woman who had experienced an abortion in Texas could submit their testimony to the defense counsel involved this case.  The testimony would be considered for use in the legal proceedings.  The defense counsel hoped that these testimonies would help the courts realize that it is extremely important for women, and also their right, to be fully informed and educated prior to an abortion.  I submitted my testimony; although, it was not used because my experience did not meet certain criteria the defense counsel was looking for.  But there were many other women’s testimonies which were accepted and used for the court proceedings. 

I am very happy and excited to say that earlier this month, the federal court of appeals unblocked the law stating it did not violate the Constitution.  The 5^th Circuit court stated:  "Only if one assumes ... that pregnancy is a condition to be terminated, can one assume that such information about the fetus is medically irrelevant".  Hooray for the federal court and for the state of Texas!

Here’s the testimony I submitted:

Jennifer’s Story – Jennifer Kittredge Testimony

This is Jennifer’s story, told in her own words.

Jennifer Kittredge Testimony from Jennifer Kittredge on Vimeo.

Andi’s Story – prolife, story of a post abortive woman

This is Andi’s story, told in her own words through this expressive video.

Jenefer's Story - How An Abortion Saved the Lives of Many

WOW!  This is an awesome testimony of grace and love.  It truly touched my heart, and my hope is that it would also touch yours.  Please watch Jenefer’s testimony on this video.  It is about 11 minutes long.

I pray that many more loving and graceful families will step forward to help the many teen girls and women out there who have nowehere to turn and need assistance as they face an unplanned pregnancy.

If you are a teen girl or a woman facing an unplanned pregnancy, I lovingly urge you to please go seek help at a local crisis pregnancy center (not Planned Parenthood).  The crisis pregnancy center will be able to offer you an immense amount of help and resources.  They will truly care about you.  I have links on the right hand side of this blog which will help you find a center near you.

How an Abortion Saved the Lives of Many from Rebecca Keliher on Vimeo.

Cindy’s Story - My Abortion Haunts My Soul

Cindy’s story was recently posted on the www.lifenews.com website.  In the article, Cindy speaks of the circumstances that led to her abortion and the regret she lives with to this day.  Cindy was not a teenage girl; she was 39 year-old married woman. 


Abortion affects women from all walks of life.  


Please read the entire article called “One Woman’s Story: My Abortion Haunts My Soul, Even Today” at the Life News website.

Melissa’s Story – Snatched from Death

Melissa’s story is from the other side of abortion.  Brad Mattes from Life Issues Institute http://www.lifeissues.org/ interviewed Melissa Ohden and aired her story on their website in January of 2011.  Melissa is a survivor of an attempted abortion.  This is her first person account on MP3 audio (about 30 minutes long). Melissa shares the events of her birth, her struggle facing the truth of that event, her search for her biological parents, and the birth of her own daughter.  Melissa’s adoptive mother also shares her personal experiences at first seeing Melissa as a tiny baby and the blessing that Melissa has been in her family’s life.  I encourage you to listen to the audio in its entirety.  It is beautiful to hear Melissa’s graceful words she speaks towards her biological mother.

Snatched from Death – Melissa’s Story 

Melissa began an organization called For Olivia’s Sake to educate people regarding the truth that there is an “intergenerational impact of abortion on men, women, children, families, and communities.”

May God’s grace flow down and cover us…

My Story - Life Moves Forward

I began this blog in September of 2009 with the post titled “For All of Us Sharing a Loss or Facing a Choice”. 

The circumstances which led to me starting this blog were simply complicated. 

When I was 16 years old, I had an abortion.  From that day, I lived with regret and sorrow regarding what I had done.  When I was 40 years old, I was filled with a desire to help young girls and women who were facing unplanned pregnancies.  After finally getting up the courage to apply for a volunteer position at a local pregnancy center, I was asked to take a post-abortive class study prior to doing any volunteer work.  I complied with this request, and, out of the overflow of emotions and the experiences from that post-abortive study, this blog was born.  I needed an outlet for all the intense thoughts, questions, and emotions, and I wanted to reach out to anyone else out there in the world that may have experienced similar circumstances. 

My Story - Wrestling with God

On January 1st of this year, I had a few brief moments to look at my various blogs and see when I had been able to post last.  I was shocked that it had been a whole year since posting on this blog and continuing my story.  It turns out that I had the following post already typed and ready since January 2011, but daily life and responsibilities took over for my entire 2011 year, and so a whole year has passed before arriving here.

For more on my emotions, thoughts, and wrestlings with God about my past and the abortion, I, once again, return to my journal writings and share with you from there.  I do not share every single thing.  Some things are way too raw and intense to share at this time.