A Song - Here I Am

The third theme song I want to write about is “Here I Am”.  Through this song, God reassured me over and over again that He would be The Great Healer for my pain.  He whispered His truth that He would take my broken heart and put all the pieces back together again, stronger than ever before.  He reassured me that even though during the time of reflection and facing my past the pain seemed unbearable and inescapable, He would surely bring healing.  All things are healed with God and time.

Do you need someone you can really trust?  Is there someone that can truly take your loneliness away?  Can someone be found who will carry you through the most difficult or painful moments of life?

A Song - Grace Flows Down

The second theme song God gave me during the time of the post-abortive study was another song I had already known for some time.  But during the study weeks and the focused reflection of the past on losing Grace Noel, it took on a much deeper significance than just being a pretty song about God’s grace.  From now on, I will always know this song as Grace Noel’s song.  Using the circumstances of my life and this song, God has brought me to a whole new level of appreciation and understanding of the depths of His amazing and boundless grace that covers us through Christ Jesus. 

“For Christ, while we are still infirm, still in accord with the era, for the sake of the irreverent, died.   For hardly for the sake of a just man will anyone be dying: for, for the sake of a good man, perhaps someone may even be daring to die, yet God is commending this love of His to us, seeing that, while we are still sinners, Christ died for our sakes.  Much rather, then, being now justified in His blood, we shall be saved from indignation, through Him. For if, being enemies, we were conciliated to God through the death of His Son, much rather, being conciliated, we shall be saved in His life.”  (Romans 5:6-10)

A Song - Footprints in the Sand

God often uses music to minister to my soul and spirit.  He deeply touches my heart with song and speaks to me through it.  I’ve always taken to heart the Scripture that says He sings over His people.

“Yahweh, your Elohim, is in your midst; The Masterful One, He shall save.  He shall be elated over you with rejoicing; He shall renew you in His love; He shall exult over you with jubilant song.” (Zepheniah 3:17) 

Time and time again, during the ups and downs of life, God has sung over me and to me.  He has brought songs to speak to me and assure me of His presence and work in my life.  He has given me the perfect songs at the perfect time that say, “I’m right here, I know exactly what you are going through, and I promise you my love and my comfort.”  In the midst of the post-abortive study and the heart ache that it surfaced, He sung to me three particular songs.  I will share them in this and following posts. 

My Story - The Post Abortive Study, Part II

August 31, 2009

…This breaks my heart in the loss that I feel.  The emptiness I have that is being revealed about a child I can never have or bring back while I’m on this earth.  I believe a day will come when I will know my child face to face…but for now I’m left with aching loss and emptiness.  It’s like the Matthew 2:18 verse:

“Screams of anguish come from Ramah,

weeping unrestrained;

Rachel weeping for her children, uncomforted,

for they are dead.”  (TLB)

My own version goes like this:

“Screams of anguish and great sorrow

are buried deep within my heart,

weeping unrestrained.

[…] is weeping for her child, Grace Noel,

and comfort is hard to find

because Grace Noel is dead.”

How awful it sounds.  How awful the truth sounds.

My Story - The Post Abortive Study, Part I

As I enter this most recent part of my life and its details, I am probably going to have to do a great deal of summarizing.  The journal pages go on and on, and I think I have written way too much to include it all in this blog.  I probably have enough pages of emotions, thoughts, and events for a book.  However, summarizing will be difficult to do because every step has been an important one in facing the grief, allowing the mourning, coming to acceptance, and finding healing.

My initial thoughts and impressions right after the first group meeting of the post-abortive Bible study were:

My Story - God Moves Toward Healing, Part 2

This past summer, I came across Gianna Jessen’s YouTube videos.  I also read her biography, Gianna by Jessica Shaver.  The pro-life message seemed to constantly be all around me from all kinds of different directions.

June 17, 2009

“Last night, I got really sad thinking about my first baby and how there is nothing I can do to change what I did.  I can’t bring my baby back—my baby’s life back.  Oh, it really upset me and despaired me for a moment last night.  Oh, why did I go through with it??  Why didn’t I change my mind?  Why did I let fear rule my behavior and decisions?  I kept thinking about where God is leading in all of this.  Wondering why all this abortion and pro-life stuff is so strong in my life right now.  What it all means, and what is going to happen.  I thought and wondered again if I am supposed to be telling my children and my family?  If God is waiting to get me to that point?  I so want to be a voice of encouragement to others who find themselves unexpectedly pregnant.  But I really can’t do that very well without being completely forthright with what I’ve gone through myself.  That I speak from experience.  I want to write about it and the sorrow and regret over it all.  Then and now…  What is the meaning…?”

My Story - God Moves Toward Healing, Part 1

I’ll fast forward now to the summer and fall of 2008.  I was given a diagnosis of being in the early stages of osteoporosis so I began taking walks as much as possible in an effort to strengthen my bones. 

During my walks through the neighborhood, I would always go by a house where there was this particular van parked.  The van had a logo on it advertising what seemed to be a pro-life organization.  My curiosity was peaked.  There was a website listed on the logo, and I looked it up on the internet.  The organization offered help to people in the areas dealing with sexual and pregnancy education, crisis pregnancies, post abortion recovery and such related things.  I began to ponder the possibility of volunteering to help other women and teen girls who found themselves in crisis pregnancies.  The thought began to hound me.  Actually, I should really say that “The Hound of Heaven” began to fill my mind with these thoughts and wouldn’t let me forget them.  God was surely moving me in a very particular direction.

My Story - The Subsequent Years

My niece was born just a few days after my abortion.  That has always been thought provoking for me.  I feel an extra connection with my niece and I believe it is related to that.  When I look at her life, I think about my child and see at what stage of life she would have been.    

After the abortion and the very few entries written in my diary right afterwards, I didn’t write again for a couple of years.  When I did write, I explained that my boyfriend and I had married, and I write about the death of a very dear friend of mine.  After that, I gave up journaling for a very long time—10 years. 

I continued to live life in whatever way I wanted and pleased me and made some other regrettable decisions along the way.  For a few years, I still believed abortion was okay in the first trimester.  I kept trying to justify and feel okay about the decision I had made.  However, as time went on, God changed my heart. 

A Song - I Have Wished...

It has been a terribly difficult day.  I have been trying to post my story here in chronological order, but I must break in today with the present time.  Today, I have cried so many tears that my eyes and my head ache.  And still, the tears easily fill my eyes if I think about my little Grace Noel. 

I have been participating in a post-abortive Bible study group for the last five weeks.  I will share much more about that experience in an upcoming post.  However, I really want to share something from this day.  We gathered for a special meeting to have a memorial service for our lost babies.  I was emotional and crying from the moment I got in the privacy of my car and drove away from home.  I had spent quite a few hidden hours over the past weekend preparing for this special service.  I had purchased a special figurine and candle holder to represent my memory of Grace Noel, made a candle for her with my own hands, and written her a very emotional letter.  During the service, the leaders/facilitators of the study group played a song for us which spoke some of the feelings of my heart perfectly.  I want to share it here now, even if I might share it again in a future post. 

Poem - Dealing with the Hurt, April 23, 1985

I must now deal

With this pain

Of the choice I made.

Every single day

I try to deal with the hurt,

With the tears that

Everyday swell up my face.

http://www.medphys.ucl.ac.uk/mgi/US-3D/fetal-us.htm

At night I go to bed

And fresh tears streak my face.

During the day around people

I must hold them back

So that they won’t ask.

But when I go home

To be alone,

The tears come.

And I just wish to God

It wouldn’t hurt so much

That my unborn baby is gone

Because I made the choice.

It is quite sobering to read the poems that I wrote exactly 24 years and five months ago.  The harsh reality of what happened and what I cannot change slaps me in the face every time I read them.  Oh!  How much I wish that I had not made such a terrible choice!  This morning, I was dreaming I was pregnant, now at my age, but had a miscarriage very early in the pregnancy.  I was devastated about the miscarriage and was talking to the doctor about the fact that I wanted to have another baby.  Will the desire to make up for Grace Noel ever go away?  I don’t think so.  I miss her so much and want to know her and love her.  But the time to know her is far away, and I will have to wait. 

Next post: I Have Wished...

[The invitation is always open to others who would like to submit their story via email document for posting on this blog.  Anonymous submissions are perfectly fine.]

Poem - I Still Remember, April 23, 1985

As I read through this poem today, recollection of two new things come to my mind.  First of all, I thought that I had taken a pregnancy test on my own and later gone to the pregnancy clinic and had a second test.  However, as I read this poem, my memory comes back clearer.  I never took my own pregnancy test.  That is why I can’t clearly remember if I knew for sure that I was pregnant or not when I had the fight with my parents.  I didn’t want to go to the store and buy a pregnancy test.  I was too afraid to do even that.  We went to the pregnancy clinic because they offered free pregnancy testing, and that is how I planned on finding out for certain if I was pregnant or not.  When the dear woman at that clinic told me the test was positive, that was the moment I knew for sure.  While I had assumed I was pregnant, it was totally overwhelming to be faced with the absolute reality there was no escaping the truth that there was a baby growing in my womb.

I still remember

That sunny day

That I found out.

The nice lady told me

“You’re test is positive”.

I remember thinking

My God, I have another life

Inside my body.

But now my body’s empty

And my heart is heavy.

Heavy with the pain

That I must live with

Because I decided

To kill my unborn baby.

http://www.medphys.ucl.ac.uk/mgi/US-3D/fetal-us.htm

Although, it hurt me,

More than anything,

I went through with it.

Now all I have to remind me

Are the tears that keep me company

All the time, day and night.

And I pray to God every night

To forgive me

For taking my baby’s life.

The second thing I’ve noticed has amazed me.  Somehow, over all this time past, I had convinced myself that I must not have talked to God about my pregnancy.  That I did what I did without crying out to Him at all, leaving Him completely out of it.  But this poem tells me differently.  I did cry out to Him, and obviously I begged His forgiveness for taking my baby’s life away.  I’m so glad to see this now.

Next post: Poem – Dealing with the Hurt

Poem - I Will Never Forget, April 22, 1985

One of the pictures in my mind that haunts me and keeps flashing back over and over again is of what my baby looked like at the time of the abortion.  With each one of the poems, I will post a 3D picture of a baby at six weeks after fertilization (8 weeks gestation) in the center of the poem.

My unborn baby is dead;

My baby was only

Around six weeks of age.

But that was the choice I made;

A choice I will never

In my entire life forget;

Because the day

They took my baby’s breath away

My heart and soul were torn apart.

I will never forget

Laying on that bed

As they tore my baby apart;

Tearing my heart.

 http://www.medphys.ucl.ac.uk/mgi/US-3D/fetal-us.htm

Why did I let them, you ask?

Because I couldn’t tell Mom and Dad

And I’m not even seventeen yet,

That’s why.

Because I was too scared

To tell and hurt them,

That’s why.

But I’ll never forget

And I’ll always regret

Taking my baby’s life away!

Next post: Poem – I Still Remember

My Story - The Abortion

Very soon after the appointment at the pregnancy clinic, I got the phone book out again, but this time to call an abortion clinic.  I made the soonest appointment that I could manage to work out.  My boyfriend took me to the abortion clinic early on that Saturday morning, April 20th 1985.  I was six weeks pregnant.  They wanted me there by 8:30.  My boyfriend stayed with me the entire day.  We spent the whole day there watching women go in to have abortions, women crying, women not crying; all of us bringing in our urine samples to the counter as we checked in.  There was a young woman that stands out so much in my mind.  I think she told us that she had already had a couple of abortions before this one and she was crying and crying.  She wasn’t that much older than me.  I could not understand how she could be there for the third time and that she had aborted some of her babies far along into her pregnancy.  I remember her telling me how awful the abortion at 6 months had been and about the baby’s violent actions as it died, and about delivering it dead. 

My Story - I'm Pregnant

It’s taken 24 years for God to bring me to this year 2009, when He has brought all this boiling over to the surface so that I can deal with it more openly; now that I am at a place in my life when/where I can.  I am thankful for the time to deal with it, yet it is also still very painful.  I am not anywhere close the girl I was 24 years ago, and I, more than desperately, want to transport who I am now back in time to that moment in the past and change what I did.  But I cannot.  We cannot change our past, but God can surely redeem it.  My comfort now is that God will work in me and through me with regards to this past tragedy and use it for whatever good He knew all along that He would do with it at the right time.

The year was 1985, and I was 16 years old.  The summer of 1984 I had dated a man who was many years older than me.  While I was dating him, I carelessly decided to go ahead and have sexual intercourse with him.  Once I had lost my virginity and given my body away, I became even more careless.  With that much older man, I only had sex that one time.  However, shortly after that relationship ended, I began dating another man.  He was only four years older than me and since I had no virginity to lose, I carelessly decided to have a sexual relationship with him.  I was so foolish in not thinking through the consequences that would certainly come due to my actions.  In neither situation was I forced or cajoled into having sexual relations, I did it willingly.  In fact, with the second boyfriend, I was the one who probably pushed in that direction.  I know he wouldn’t have if I had not pursued it.  Four months into our relationship, I suddenly found myself pregnant. 

For All of Us Sharing a Loss or Facing a Choice

I have created this blog for multiple reasons.  The main reason is to provide a safe place to all women who have experienced an abortion to be able to share their story, their sorrow, grief, and despair, and to offer a safe, non-judgmental place for them to mourn the loss of their child.  This web log is not just for my story.  It is also a place for the stories of others.  Hardly a place can be found in our society where women who have been through abortion can safely and openly mourn the loss of their child and share their pain.  May this be such a place for us all. 

I also created this blog as a memorial to my first child, Grace Noel, and as my own place to mourn her loss and express my many emotions and thoughts about her and what happened.  And finally, I hope that God will lead women facing unplanned pregnancies to this blog, that they may see the painful truth of living with abortion and be encouraged and empowered to instead choose LIFE for their babies.

I will tell my story from where it began with my unplanned pregnancy 24 years ago and how God has worked in that area of my life up to the present time.  I invite others to submit their stories to me via an email document, and I will post them here.  If you submit your story, please include your text in the body of your email.   I will not open attached files.

May God glorify Himself as THE Graceful Healer in our lives.


Next post: My Story - I'm Pregnant