I have neglected posting on this blog for far too long. The busyness of life has constantly gotten in the way of my time to write. I desperately want to be able to catch up to present day. Intense grief has finally passed.
I will pick up where I last left off after my post on telling our children. Once again, I will mostly tell the story using my journal entries as much as possible.
In October of 2009, as I had wrapped up the post-abortive study, I found myself completely drained and exhausted. The intensity of dealing with all of the emotions, memories, and the grief of the abortion sapped all my energy. I had to force myself to do daily life. I only wanted to rest and sleep.
“All the emotions taking place over the last few weeks have really caught up to me.”
I spent lots of time writing for this blog and typing up my experiences.
“I was filled with such thankfulness for God’s gift to me of writing. How therapeutic writing has become for me!! It’s my outlet, my release valve.”
Unfortunately, I continued to feel distant from my husband. I wasn’t sure how to reconnect with him because I was still going through trying to resolve this issue within me, and he had not been as much a part of it as I had hoped. My children did not seem to change in their behavior towards me, and I was very relieved.
“I feel wiped. So much has been drained out of me throughout this upheaval of emotions going on in the last few weeks…I’m dreading anyone asking me how I am. Because I mostly lie these days. I can’t tell them the truth of how I really feel right now and what I’ve been going through. So…I smile and say lying, “I’m okay.” Yeah, yeah, whatever…”
“Walking through this valley takes a lot of effort and energy. So much!”
I also admit in my journal writings that I have not found it helpful to share the truth with a close friend. I realize now that there are times the truth is too hard to take. I have discovered that while I can personally be more honest with close friends about my past experience with abortion, they don’t really want to talk about it at length. They sincerely do say they are sorry and maybe a couple of other things, but that’s about all. I think it’s awkward for them. I suppose it’s a hard truth to hear from a long-time friend—that she’s had an abortion. Lack of words really hurt me when I was feeling the grief so intensely. I needed comforting so desperately and was desperately looking for it somewhere. But now, I have a better understanding of where it is found.
I’ve learned that the greatest and most lasting comfort we can receive and experience comes from God. Sometimes, we share very personal things with others hoping that we’ll receive comfort from them. And there are times that we do. However, I’ve discovered that has not been the case regarding my abortion experience. The depths and intensity of the regret and emotions has only been touched by God. It is somewhat different sharing the truth with someone who has also gone through abortion. With them, camaraderie is found because you have both been there and can relate with each other and the experience. In that, a bit of temporal comfort is found.
“I’ve realized that to others, any friend or person who hasn’t been through the same, the fact or truth of my experience with abortion and the agony it brings is foreign. They cannot really understand and relate. They cannot seem to get a real grasp for the intensity of the regret that it brings. In the post-abortive group I could find connection and understanding. That’s why I enjoyed their presence so much!”
“A person cannot relate and does not really want to relate with what it all means to have a crisis pregnancy and to face such confusion or to go through an abortion. It’s a hard thing to relate to unless you’ve lived through it yourself. How detached we can be with another…how easy it is to feel like what we have gone through or what we are going through is such a big deal and so easily neglect the big deal in someone else’s life. We are self-absorbed individuals; wrapped up in our own little worlds. It happens to all of us.”
“It’s such a time for sadness and grief in my life…I must say that this whole experience over the last few weeks has humbled me even more. I’ve not only understood another deeper level of grace, but I’ve also been taken to another level of being humbled.”
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