My Story - Wrestling with God

On January 1st of this year, I had a few brief moments to look at my various blogs and see when I had been able to post last.  I was shocked that it had been a whole year since posting on this blog and continuing my story.  It turns out that I had the following post already typed and ready since January 2011, but daily life and responsibilities took over for my entire 2011 year, and so a whole year has passed before arriving here.

For more on my emotions, thoughts, and wrestlings with God about my past and the abortion, I, once again, return to my journal writings and share with you from there.  I do not share every single thing.  Some things are way too raw and intense to share at this time.

October 8, 2009

Speaking of being humbled.  I’ve been meaning to write about this over and over again…

I’ve come to realize that I have been a vessel of dishonor in my past.  That is how I currently see it anyway.  That I was a vessel of dishonor back then when I made up my mind to have the abortion and went through with it.  Since then I’ve been made into a vessel of God’s mercy.

Romans 9:14-24:  “For to Moses He is saying, I shall be merciful to whomever I may be merciful, and I shall be pitying whomever I may be pitying.  Consequently, then, it is not of him who is willing, nor of him who is racing, but of God the Merciful.  For the scripture is saying to Pharaoh that ‘For this selfsame thing I rouse you up, so that I should be displaying in you My power, and so that My name should be published in the entire earth.’  Consequently, then, to whom He will, He is merciful, yet whom He will, He is hardening.  You will be protesting to me, then, ‘Why, then, is He still blaming? For who has withstood His intention?’  O man!  Who are you, to be sure, who are answering again to God?  That which is molded will not protest to the molder, ‘Why do you make me thus?’  Or has not the potter the right over the clay, out of the same kneading to make one vessel, indeed for honor, yet one for dishonor?  Now if God, wanting to display His indignation and to make His powerful doings known, carries with much patience, the vessels of indignation, adapted for destruction, it is that He should also be making known the riches of His glory on the vessels of mercy, which He makes ready before for glory—us, whom He calls also, not only out of the Jews, but out of the nations also.”

Romans 11:29-32:  “For even as you once were stubborn toward God, yet now were shown mercy at their stubbornness, thus those also are now stubborn to this mercy of yours, that now they also may be shown mercy.  For God locks up all together in stubbornness, that He should be merciful to all.”

So I’ve been toying with some various thoughts off and on in past few weeks with regards to the abortion and God and me and the vessels of dishonor and honor…I’m trying to understand but I seem to be more confused than anything.

The way I see it or feel about it—God could have stopped me from having that abortion.  I believe Him to be the all-powerful God, able to influence me in my life in any number of ways.  Let’s just simply ask:  Could God have convinced me or influenced me to make a different decision 24 years ago?  Yes!  He is GOD, of course, He can do anything.  But He didn’t.  He didn’t stop me.  Instead there was a great influence of FEAR that controlled me.  And that terrible fight with my parents—that I don’t even recall why it took place, but just that it did take place—and how that fight fueled FEAR!  The influence of fear was utterly overwhelming!  …  I knew very well, that I had a real live baby in my womb.  I knew that I would be ending the life of that baby.  And the regret I had immediately and since then has been so strong.  Ugh!!  What is the meaning of all this?  Why, oh why, would God want me to go through with this awful thing?  How much is God involved in such things like that which we do?

Oh, it is so great and wonderful to read:  “Oh, the depth of the riches and the wisdom and the knowledge of God!  How inscrutable are His judgments, and untraceable His ways!  For, who knew the mind of the LORD? Or, who became His adviser?  Or, who gives to Him first, and it will be repaid him?  Seeing that out of Him and through Him and for Him is all:  to Him be the glory for the eons!  Amen!”  (Romans 11:33-36)

How wonderful all that sounds.  Until I wonder, ponder, and wrestle long and hard trying to figure out why I would kill my first child—why I would sacrifice my first child for my own sake?

And with many more questions and thoughts, I carried on my wrestling with God, His involvement in my life, and the things He was trying to reveal and teach me through all of this experience.

“There are very, very good reasons why God chose this year to bring this all up to the surface regarding the abortion.  I know that truth with all my heart.  I believe there is something He wants me to see and understand that I would not have otherwise, if I were not at this very particular moment in life...I am being made to look at some really difficult things with regards to God and how He works.”

“What is a vessel of clay?

It is a vessel molded by the potter in whatever way he deems best

It is a vessel which is empty

It is a vessel which can be filled

It is a vessel which can be poured out

It is a vessel which can be broken

It is a vessel which can be remolded”

God’s “ways are said to be “inscrutable”—meaning incomprehensible, undiscoverable, unfathomable.”

“I’m looking for an answer from God in all this.  But I also wonder if God will give such an answer.  I’m not confident He will give it to me.  Maybe I can’t handle the answer…Complete crisis within me.  I suppose He will solve it.”

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