As I read through this poem today, recollection of two new things come to my mind. First of all, I thought that I had taken a pregnancy test on my own and later gone to the pregnancy clinic and had a second test. However, as I read this poem, my memory comes back clearer. I never took my own pregnancy test. That is why I can’t clearly remember if I knew for sure that I was pregnant or not when I had the fight with my parents. I didn’t want to go to the store and buy a pregnancy test. I was too afraid to do even that. We went to the pregnancy clinic because they offered free pregnancy testing, and that is how I planned on finding out for certain if I was pregnant or not. When the dear woman at that clinic told me the test was positive, that was the moment I knew for sure. While I had assumed I was pregnant, it was totally overwhelming to be faced with the absolute reality there was no escaping the truth that there was a baby growing in my womb.
I still remember
That sunny day
That I found out.
The nice lady told me
“You’re test is positive”.
I remember thinking
My God, I have another life
Inside my body.
But now my body’s empty
And my heart is heavy.
Heavy with the pain
That I must live with
Because I decided
To kill my unborn baby.
Although, it hurt me,
More than anything,
I went through with it.
Now all I have to remind me
Are the tears that keep me company
All the time, day and night.
And I pray to God every night
To forgive me
For taking my baby’s life.
The second thing I’ve noticed has amazed me. Somehow, over all this time past, I had convinced myself that I must not have talked to God about my pregnancy. That I did what I did without crying out to Him at all, leaving Him completely out of it. But this poem tells me differently. I did cry out to Him, and obviously I begged His forgiveness for taking my baby’s life away. I’m so glad to see this now.
Next post: Poem – Dealing with the Hurt
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