A Song - I Have Wished...

It has been a terribly difficult day.  I have been trying to post my story here in chronological order, but I must break in today with the present time.  Today, I have cried so many tears that my eyes and my head ache.  And still, the tears easily fill my eyes if I think about my little Grace Noel. 

I have been participating in a post-abortive Bible study group for the last five weeks.  I will share much more about that experience in an upcoming post.  However, I really want to share something from this day.  We gathered for a special meeting to have a memorial service for our lost babies.  I was emotional and crying from the moment I got in the privacy of my car and drove away from home.  I had spent quite a few hidden hours over the past weekend preparing for this special service.  I had purchased a special figurine and candle holder to represent my memory of Grace Noel, made a candle for her with my own hands, and written her a very emotional letter.  During the service, the leaders/facilitators of the study group played a song for us which spoke some of the feelings of my heart perfectly.  I want to share it here now, even if I might share it again in a future post. 

I have so fervently wished that I could rewrite my history on that day, April 20, 1985.  What a terrible mistake I made ending my baby’s life!  If I had only known the intense heart ache that I would feel in the future; surely, that may have convinced me to make a different choice.

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8rAzOvUzc2c

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything

I don’t take pride in what I bring

But I’ll build an altar with

The rubble that You’ve found me in

And every stone will sing

Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget

Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Next post: My Story - The Subsequent Years