Poem - Dealing with the Hurt, April 23, 1985

I must now deal

With this pain

Of the choice I made.

Every single day

I try to deal with the hurt,

With the tears that

Everyday swell up my face.

http://www.medphys.ucl.ac.uk/mgi/US-3D/fetal-us.htm

At night I go to bed

And fresh tears streak my face.

During the day around people

I must hold them back

So that they won’t ask.

But when I go home

To be alone,

The tears come.

And I just wish to God

It wouldn’t hurt so much

That my unborn baby is gone

Because I made the choice.

It is quite sobering to read the poems that I wrote exactly 24 years and five months ago.  The harsh reality of what happened and what I cannot change slaps me in the face every time I read them.  Oh!  How much I wish that I had not made such a terrible choice!  This morning, I was dreaming I was pregnant, now at my age, but had a miscarriage very early in the pregnancy.  I was devastated about the miscarriage and was talking to the doctor about the fact that I wanted to have another baby.  Will the desire to make up for Grace Noel ever go away?  I don’t think so.  I miss her so much and want to know her and love her.  But the time to know her is far away, and I will have to wait. 

Next post: I Have Wished...

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