My niece was born just a few days after my abortion. That has always been thought provoking for me. I feel an extra connection with my niece and I believe it is related to that. When I look at her life, I think about my child and see at what stage of life she would have been.
After the abortion and the very few entries written in my diary right afterwards, I didn’t write again for a couple of years. When I did write, I explained that my boyfriend and I had married, and I write about the death of a very dear friend of mine. After that, I gave up journaling for a very long time—10 years.
I continued to live life in whatever way I wanted and pleased me and made some other regrettable decisions along the way. For a few years, I still believed abortion was okay in the first trimester. I kept trying to justify and feel okay about the decision I had made. However, as time went on, God changed my heart.
Four and a half years after the abortion, my husband and I had our first born son. Four years after his birth, I gave birth to our second born son. And two years later, our daughter came into the world. I am amazed at God’s loving grace in granting me three beautiful and healthy children! They are three amazing blessings that I did not feel I deserved but was certainly grateful for.
In 1997, God “watermarked” our lives. That year, Christ truly grabbed a hold of our hearts and our lives, and we fell in love with our Savior Jesus and our Father God. That year, I also began to journal again with the purpose of keeping a record of God’s work in our lives and in the life of our family. Throughout the journals since then, I have a snippet here and there of my thoughts and feelings regarding the abortion and of feeling that I am missing a child. Although, not until just recently were my eyes opened to the reason why I have always felt like I should have had four children. Post-abortion trauma can do quite a sneaky work in our lives; especially, when we have buried the thoughts and feelings of that abortion way down deep.
Here I will share some excerpts from my many journals over the years. I took some time to go through each journal around the anniversary date of the abortion and looked to see where I may have written something about it. Most of the time when I wrote about the abortion, it was around the anniversary date. There may have been more rare times that I may have written in November when the baby would have been born. But I did not spend time looking in November months because it would have been too random to find with just a quick read.
April 19 and 20, 1999
My journal page has math calculations on it figuring out how many years it has been since my abortion. It’s been 14 years. After the calculation I write:
“You’re forgiven, no need for regret where there is grace. It’s forgotten every memory of the past has been erased. It’s forgiven, forgotten, forever! ... Oh Lord, I have asked for so much when I have deserved so little! I thank you for making me a new being in Christ. Oh I thank you so much I am not who I used to be not so long ago! I’m far from perfect; but I’m so glad I seek to honor you and please you now! I so wish you would have been our foundation 14 years ago. So I wouldn’t have made the tragic irreversible mistakes I made then. I deserve the pain I feel every time I think of them! (mistakes)”
“I’ve been reflecting and thinking a lot about 14 years ago and April 20, 1985. It was such an ugly and stained day in my life back then. It’s incredible to me that God can forgive such sins and bless me the way He has even when I’ve done such wrongs! Oh Jesus fair companion, a light unto my way. I’ll follow with abandon until we’re face to face!...”
April 23 and 25, 2001
On this day, I write about my longing for another child:
“As unimaginable as it seems I am having desires to have another child; most especially a girl (as always). I know it seems insane!” [It seems insane because by this time my husband has had a vasectomy.] “I cannot imagine starting over, but still…something calling me to having another child. I don’t k now if it’s God, but if it is, then He would definitely have to make a miracle happen for me to get pregnant.”
“I dreamed I was pregnant last night, and I was soon going to deliver. I was so excited! Yet I was so disappointed when I woke up. Oh God, are you putting these desires into my heart or are they the mere hormonal flare ups of my womanly body? Why would I long for another child, now? ... I would love to see your miracle happen in this Lord! Because it would be a child of an absolute God ordained miracle for it to happen now. A child dedicated unto you. Oh Lord, am I still looking for a way to make up for the sacrifice of my 1st child at my 16 years old. Oh Lord, half my lifetime ago; and I grieve it so much! Forgive me Lord, forgive me, my child, may I see you face to face in heaven one day! So I may love you like I never did here on earth.”
April 20, 2003
“It’s been 18 years? Is it possible? Yes, it has been 18 years since that day that I can never take back. My first – our first child would be 18 in November. Oh Lord thank you for your infinite forgiveness and mercy and that the years lessen the pain of each of these “anniversaries”.”
April 20, 2005
It’s been quite the irony for me that my most loved dog’s birthday is on April 20th. I begin the entry wishing her a happy birthday and immediately write on:
“…and God forgive me, once again I must ask, for the great error of my ways 20 years ago. I’m so ashamed! Thank you that you made me new in spite of my great sins against you and others in my life. God, the sorrow of not allowing life to our first conceived child 20 years ago is now so horrid. Every year on April 20th, I remember my atrocious act. I can’t ignore it. Thank You, oh God, for this new life you have given me in Christ Jesus! This new life that I have given and devoted to You instead of to myself.”
Reading these entries, I see so clearly that I am certainly suffering from post-abortion trauma. I see myself going back and forth between knowing I’m forgiven to having so much regret and asking God and my child for forgiveness over and over again. I have kept things hidden way down deep for so many years. My husband and I would never talk about it either. Even though I have tried to keep it buried and unseen, my mind and my mother’s heart cannot forget and cannot ignore the longing for my child and the regret that follows me.
[Would you like to share your story with others? You are invited to email me with your story, and I will anonymously share it on this blog.]
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