My Story - God Moves Toward Healing, Part 1

I’ll fast forward now to the summer and fall of 2008.  I was given a diagnosis of being in the early stages of osteoporosis so I began taking walks as much as possible in an effort to strengthen my bones. 

During my walks through the neighborhood, I would always go by a house where there was this particular van parked.  The van had a logo on it advertising what seemed to be a pro-life organization.  My curiosity was peaked.  There was a website listed on the logo, and I looked it up on the internet.  The organization offered help to people in the areas dealing with sexual and pregnancy education, crisis pregnancies, post abortion recovery and such related things.  I began to ponder the possibility of volunteering to help other women and teen girls who found themselves in crisis pregnancies.  The thought began to hound me.  Actually, I should really say that “The Hound of Heaven” began to fill my mind with these thoughts and wouldn’t let me forget them.  God was surely moving me in a very particular direction.

Early in 2009, I began to be more vocal in my pro-life stance.  The thoughts of volunteering and helping other women continued to swirl through my mind.  I began to see references to the above mentioned organization all around me.  I received emails about them from sources that had no idea of my thoughts and desires.  I kept seeing the van as I took walks and seeing the van when I went to the store.  A many days’ long pro-choice/pro-life discussion took place on my Facebook profile when I posted a link to the commercial that wasn’t going to be shown during the Superbowl because of its pro-life nature.  Talking about that in my journal in February of 2009, I wrote:

“I am facing stronger and stronger that pressing regarding the choice I made to end my baby’s life almost 24 years ago.  I had, a few days ago, thought about the poems I remember I wrote regarding that.  Wondered where my poems were and also wondered if I had written anything about it in those teen journals I kept.  Last night after agonizing in the shower over what may possibly be the time to speak out regarding my own experience at 16 years old, I did get into those journals.  And surprisingly I discovered my three post abortion poems in one of them.  Heart breaking emotions. 

There is this part of me that “knows” that to move on with helping others in similar situation I must come clean with my own experiences.  But I am cringing still with our parents finding out the truth and our children.  It’s a horrible thing I chose to do and horrible to admit to doing it. 

Oh God, I’m not sure about any of this!  I’m really not!  Like I said—You will really have to make a neon blaring sign to show me that we can tell our parents and our children.  I’m so afraid of hurting them horribly!!  So afraid of hurting and scarring them.

Around that time, I also came across an article on the internet called “Big Girls Do Cry: The Hidden Truth of Abortion” by Dr. Martha Shuping and Chris Gacek.  It speaks of the impact that abortion has on women and how the truth of it is being ignored or covered up.  Worthwhile reading.

On April 1, 2009, I participated in Red Envelope Day and sent red envelopes to the White House saying something along these lines:

"This envelope represents one child who died because of an abortion.
It is empty because the life that was taken is now unable to be a part of our world."

My daughter sat by my side and helped me to write on the envelopes and address them.  I kept one envelope for myself, and the next moment I had all by myself I wrote my own personal saying on the envelope:

“This envelope represents my first conceived who died in abortion. 

It is empty because his or her life was unable to offer anything to this world. 

I forsook my responsibility to this child because I was filled with fear.”

I placed that envelope in my journal.

In the spring of this year I also became very active sending letters to congressmen speaking against FOCA and other pro-abortion legislature.  I would get email notices from various pro-life organizations and promptly act upon them.

In April, I drove to the crisis pregnancy center and picked up volunteer forms.  I brought the forms home,  immediately filled them out, and sent them in.  During all this, pro-life issues seemed prominent all around me, and I even discovered that my neighbor was also a volunteer for the same organization to which I had just sent my applications.   I felt completely uncertain as to what would happen next, but trusted completely that God was moving and directing my steps.  A few days after mailing the forms, a coordinator with the organization contacted me, and we scheduled a meeting to talk about my application and my past experience with abortion.  When we met, we had a long chat about my history and my desire to help others.  She suggested that prior to proceeding in any type of volunteering it would be best for me to go through a post-abortive Bible study to make sure that I was truly healed with regards to the past.  I told her that I thought I was really okay with it all but would gladly go through the study if that is what was required of me.  She explained to me what the Bible study would be like and told me she would contact me as soon as she had formed a group with solid dates and time.  A couple of things really impressed upon me when she described the study format:  Her explanation that the women in the study would be encouraged to name their babies and that the study would include a special memorial service for the babies.

Ironically, I found myself journaling about that meeting on April 20^th, 2009—the 24^th anniversary of my abortion.  I wrote:

“The whole naming the baby thing struck me deeply.  I have previously thought about naming that precious little life of mine, but I wasn’t sure about giving it a female or male name since I didn’t know what sex it was.  However, when she said about naming it, quickly through my mind was asked the question, “What would I name that baby?” and “Grace” came to my mind.  Because God’s grace has poured over that incident in my life.  Yesterday, I was pondering this again and I thought of Grace Noel…why Noel?  What does Noel mean besides it being sung in a Christmas carol at Christmas time?”

I looked up “Noel” and discovered that it simply means “birthday”. 

I go on to write that I wasn’t sure what it all exactly meant to me.  But that I knew the name Grace Noel sounded so right and beautiful the very moment it came to my mind.  I write about being a little hesitant about sticking with it, until I had gone to my daughter’s room to tuck her in bed one night and noticed that on the puppy calendar on her wall she had name the April puppy “Grace”.

“Oh my goodness!!  What are the chances of all that coinciding together?  The month of April, this all taking place right now, and [my daughter] naming that puppy for this month “Grace”.  And why does God have me give the Noel part that means birthday when I was allowing a doctor to end my baby’s earthly life?  There is more to it all, there are depths there that God wants me to explore in the days ahead.  I will explore and search His depths.  Last night, as I said Grace Noel in my mind, it sounded so beautiful to me…”

I wrap up my journal entry on April 20 by writing, “Not saying it will be an easy road ahead, but God is working.  And He is in charge of it all.”

During the same time all this was going on, there was great grief in our home as one of my son’s dearest friends had died a few days before, and we were all in sorrowful mourning over his loss.  I was affected much more than I could have imagined.  I found my intense grief overwhelming and was surprised by the fact that in the midst of it I was also having so many thoughts about my own lost child and naming her.


Next post - My Story - God Moves Toward Healing, Part 2