As I enter this most recent part of my life and its details, I am probably going to have to do a great deal of summarizing. The journal pages go on and on, and I think I have written way too much to include it all in this blog. I probably have enough pages of emotions, thoughts, and events for a book. However, summarizing will be difficult to do because every step has been an important one in facing the grief, allowing the mourning, coming to acceptance, and finding healing.
My initial thoughts and impressions right after the first group meeting of the post-abortive Bible study were:
August 2009
“It was so good to be among other women who share my similar experience and sorrow in their heart! How wonderful to be able to speak honestly and feel ok doing so! I felt such camaraderie in that room! We were all so grateful to be with each other and feel safe. I didn’t want the meeting to end. I wanted to be with these ladies and share friendship and experiences together. I’m so looking forward to next week!”
“Just looking at the paper showing each week’s itinerary and seeing the “Memorial Service” week made me want to start crying. I have become so emotional about baby Grace Noel. Even more so maybe since I call her by the name God prompted me to give her.”
“This is going to be quite the emotional journey for me!! Especially at this time of my life and how I’m so much more sensitive and my emotions seem to be much more deeply touched than they used to be.”
“I’m desperate to talk [with my husband]. It’s time to talk about our first baby in honesty and earnestness and to quit burying the impact Grace Noel made in our lives 24 years ago and since then. I need to know his full perspective: then, over the years, and now. I feel encouraged and upbeat about dealing with this aspect of my life. I get to talk about it instead of hiding it!”
“Grace Noel, I love you and miss you, and I look so forward to seeing you in heaven one day and to hugging you close. Please know how much I love you. I’m so sorry.”
The following day, I described a bit more of what I felt in the study group meeting and how I was so blessed by being a part of it. I speak of feeling such love flowing through the room among the members of our group and of being filled with joy and hopeful, excited anticipation of the weeks to come together.
“Some things are going to dig deep in my soul and in the aching for my Grace Noel. I want my baby back!”
My husband and I had a very long heart to heart conversation about Grace Noel and our past. I was able to clarify and confirm my viewpoints on everything that happened and also get his emotions and perspective of what it was like for him back then.
And so the study began and took off full force in my life. Bringing every thing about the abortion up to the surface and into my present was incredibly difficult and intense. It was quite the BITTER-SWEET experience throughout the six weeks of the study. I cried countless gut-wrenching tears that came with such intensely painful emotions that there were times I felt like the sorrow would surely overwhelm me to the point of physically passing out.
As I began going through the study, my eyes were finally opened to the realization that over many years every time I felt I was missing or wanting a fourth child (especially a girl), it was my deep longing for my first child. I had convinced myself all that time to think that I should have had another child after my daughter. But no, I realized my longing had to do with my first conceived child, Grace Noel, and the emptiness I felt of her loss. This is also when I became convinced that my baby had been a girl. Prior to doing this study I truly did not feel I knew either way.
The first few chapters of the study were absolutely the MOST difficult for me. Remembering every detail and allowing all my emotions to come up to the surface of my heart and mind felt like a hurricane was going through my soul. There were moments of 150 mph winds. These were moments of utter despair knowing and coming to terms with the reality that there was NOTHING I could do to go back in time and change my past and give my baby life. Suddenly, all my senses in the aching emptiness were heightened and things that never bothered me before began to affect me. There were moments in the storm where it would just be a calmer sadness or empty longing at seeing a pregnant woman, especially if she was really young. Even our waitress at a restaurant telling me that her mother had given birth to her when she was seventeen terribly saddened and reminded me of the gravity of what I had done and what I would rather have done.
In answering one of the questions in the study guide regarding my feelings about the abortion, I write:
“I don’t tell myself to forget about it all. No way. I don’t want to forget about my first conceived child. What do I want? I want to go back in time and change what I did. But I can’t. So what can I do or want to do with present today in light of the past I can’t change? I want to stop hiding this in shame in my heart! I want to be free to speak out if God gives the opportunity. I want to be free to be honest and forthright about my experience and I want to move forward to help others in similar situations. I want my experience to count and be used for something good now!!...Grace Noel was no mistake. God put her in my womb for a reason, even though He knew I would abort her. And He has brought me to this point where I am today. There is a much higher purpose, and I want to walk in the thick of that purpose!”
In describing how I feel when abortion is spoken about in my presence, I speak of feeling a bit nervous and cringing within thinking, “If they only knew”, and “Oh God, I hope they don’t start bashing women who’ve had abortions.” I also express the sadness comes over me in the conversations because they are talking about something “shameful” and I’ve done it. Discussing abortion in general in the presence of others has tended to make me feel sad, shameful, and sobered. At first, I make a point to speak for choosing life without condemning or judging, but I usually quiet down quickly for fear of saying too much and giving myself away.
“I’ve hidden this aspect of my life for so long and I’m sick of hiding and pretending that I have no personal experience with this issue, especially when I want to make appoint against it or help someone else. It’s time to tell my children and be honest with them at least. And how can God fully use this for good in my life if I’m hiding it in secrecy and shame?”
I see all too clearly that my decision to have an abortion was completely based on an irrational fear of man and a panicked instinct of self-preservation. I had done something that would greatly displease my family and my boyfriend’s family, and I had to “fix” the problem without them knowing. I couldn’t bear the thought of being yelled at and told that I had made terrible choices, and how could I have done such a thing, etc., etc.
The fear of man has been a terrible bondage for most of my life. And not until a couple of years ago have I felt that God has finally brought me to a place of freedom in that area. That did not come easily. But one thing is certain; God has had me face some of my worst fears in being rejected by man, in order that He may set me free. He has had me face head-on some of the worst scenarios I could imagine so that I may know that I can be judged, condemned, or rejected by some people, but that I WILL LIVE (and live victoriously with Him) in spite of that. He has shown me that HIS love and grace are much greater than anything someone may feel or say about me or do to me. I am His child, and I am absolutely precious to Him. NO one can take that away.
I’m going to post various parts detailing my journey through the post abortive study; stay tuned.
Next post: The Post Abortive Study, Part II
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