I
began this blog in September of 2009 with the post titled “For All of Us Sharing a Loss or Facing a Choice”.
The
circumstances which led to me starting this blog were simply complicated.
When
I was 16 years old, I had an abortion.
From that day, I lived with regret and sorrow regarding what I had
done. When I was 40 years old, I was
filled with a desire to help young girls and women who were facing unplanned
pregnancies. After finally getting up
the courage to apply for a volunteer position at a local pregnancy center, I
was asked to take a post-abortive class study prior to doing any volunteer
work. I complied with this request, and,
out of the overflow of emotions and the experiences from that post-abortive
study, this blog was born. I needed an
outlet for all the intense thoughts, questions, and emotions, and I wanted to
reach out to anyone else out there in the world that may have experienced similar
circumstances.
At
the same time, this blog is a tribute and a remembrance to the little girl who
lived in my womb for 6 short weeks, Grace Noel.
She has taught me so much about life, fear, God, God’s grace, and me. Her earthly life was very short, but her
impact upon my life and the life of others has been irreplaceable and
undeniable. Because of Grace, I have
been changed more than I will ever understand.
Because of Grace, others have been touched, cared for, and helped. Because of Grace, I know what it means to live
free in God’s super exceeding grace. Because of Grace, I am able to have deep
compassion and empathy for the struggles of others and am able to extend grace
in some of the most ungraceful circumstances.
Because of Grace, I am who I am today.
As
the weeks went forward past the post-abortive study and the highest and most
devastating peak of my sorrow, the relationship between my husband and I
improved, and we were able to resolve some of our miscommunication with regards
to this area of our lives. I began to
try to regain some “normalcy” to my life and get back to life as normal. The pregnancy center interviewed me, accepted
my application for volunteer work, and I began the required volunteer training
class. I thoroughly enjoyed the training
and learning more about how to best help people. Some of the topics of the training were
difficult upon my aching heart, especially in addressing the subject of abortion
and the development of a baby in the womb.
During one of those classes, we were playing around with pregnancy due
date wheels, and I calculated that my due date for Grace would have been
November 27 or 28 of 1985. It was all
very bittersweet.
Yet,
bright light and renewed hope began to shine again in my darkness.
On
November
2, 2009, I write in my journal:
“Faithful is the
saying and worthy of all welcome (for this we are toiling and being
reproached), that we rely on the living God, who is the Saviour of all mankind,
especially of believers.” (1 Timothy
4:9-10)
“Lord, I don’t even
pretend to know or understand what you are doing with us. But, may I be completely pliable and moldable
and leadable in Your hands and in Your plan.
I can only but live and breathe and have my being one moment at a time in
You. All else is futile and a work of my
own flesh and human imaginations. I
cannot even come to terms with the abortion event and exactly how that took
place…Whatever happened, it happened and You did not stop me. You could have stopped it, but you did
not. I understand so little. I really do.
You are so infinite and I’m so finite.
But I am Yours. Thank You,
Thank You, Thank You that I am Yours and loved by You! Chosen by You, called by You—I’m yours. Oh God, Thank You!! You have poured such blessings upon
me—upon us as a family. You have been so
generous with us! Oh Lord, fill us all
with extreme gratitude. Fill us
up with thanksgiving and appreciation for all You’ve done and given. Do with me what You will! Strip away any of my own ideas of *I* should
do this or that. I long to walk in your perfect
will and ways, not my own.
On
November
6, 2009, I write:
“…I want to say
that life is good! I am so so so so
thankful for this season of joy and fullness and exciting, enjoyable things
taking place. There has been so much
recent sorrow and hard times and to get this season now is so wonderful. Such a wonderful reprieve!
I awoke this
morning saying with joy, “LIFE IS GOOD!”
This joy bubbled up in my heart last night as I drove home from another
night of volunteer training at the crisis pregnancy center. It is ABSOLUTELY MARVELOUS to have this
season of such exciting, joyful, fun, happy, and adventurous things taking
place!!!!
Oh God, thank you,
thank you so much for this season of fullness.
Thank you for this “morning of dancing”!!!! And so God has brought a song to my mind that
fits perfectly with how I feel this
morning. It is a song called “This Is
How We Overcome” by Hillsong:
Your light broke
through my night
Restored exceeding
joy
Your grace fell
like the rain
And made this
desert live
You have turned my
mourning into dancing
You have turned my
sorrow into joy
Your hand lifted me
up
I stand on higher
ground
Your praise rose in
my heart
And made this
valley sing
You have turned my
mourning into dancing
You have turned my
sorrow into joy
This is how we overcome
With GOD and Christ is how we
overcome!!!! Hallelujah!
“The
LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail.
They
are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.
"The
LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in
Him."
(Lamentations
3:22-24)
Shortly
thereafter, I began volunteer counseling at the pregnancy center, and my life
was touched and changed even more by each person I met, talked with, and
counseled. It’s never easy for me to
stand present at a client’s ultrasound and see her baby’s heart beating and her
baby moving at about the same weeks’ gestation as my Grace had been back in
April of 1985. When I stand there,
looking at the screen and imagine how this baby is just like my baby had been,
I wish I could close my eyes and transport myself back in time and it be me
laying there having that ultrasound and changing my mind about having an
abortion. Would my heart and
determination have been changed if I had been shown an ultrasound of my
baby? Very possibly, but it is hard to say
for sure. I was a different person back
then, with a different mindset, and God only knows what would have changed or
not changed my mind.
Since
the post-abortive study, I have become more open with my past. It’s no longer this buried deep, dark
secret. It is a secret from my extended family. At this stage of life, I do not feel it is
beneficial whatsoever to hurt their hearts with the truth. There is nothing that can be changed
now. The time to have been honest and
forthright with my parents and to seek their help was back in April of 1985. Telling them now and hurting them with this truth
does not bring Grace back and will not help my parents at all. However, as the circumstances have arisen,
there have been occasions for me to be honest with other people because the
situation has called for it. In those types
of instances, as the Lord Jesus Christ leads and prompts me, I am forthright
and honest.
I
have had inspirations about being a louder voice for the life of
the unborn and for exposing the sorrows and effects of abortion upon women. I desire to speak to people about this issue
and share my heart and experiences in hopes of making a helpful difference in
the lives of other women. I want to
continue to give meaning and value to the part that Grace played in my life and
for Grace to continue to touch the lives of others in ways she could never
know. If I can share my heart and help
someone change their mind about having an abortion or help someone seek and
find healing from their past abortion(s), it brings joy to my heart and honors
the sacrifice of Grace’s life. I’ve
thought about speaking at churches or women’s groups or possibly writing a
post-abortive study and leading groups of women in such a study. I will wait and see if God orchestrates any
of those opportunities in the days and years ahead. In the meantime, this blog will be my loudest
voice for women who face unplanned pregnancies or abortion and for unborn
babies. I am for women and for babies!
Can
I say that my heart does not continue to hurt about the loss of Grace? No, it still does. The emptiness will never be filled in this
earthly life. The death of Grace has
forever left a hole within me. And I am
convinced that it will not be filled until some day in the future when I am in
God’s presence in heavenly places. I
still desperately long for the child I never birthed, and deep regret will
always be my companion. However, ache
and regret will not consume or destroy me.
Instead, God continues to redeem what I did, along with the regret, and
use it for His good and perfect purposes.
This
blog will continue to be an outreach to women facing unplanned pregnancies and
a platform for exposing the negative effects of abortion upon women. It will also be a place to share the stories
of the choices of other women and the impact those choices had in their lives
and the lives of their babies.
Healed
and free by God’s super exceeding grace,
Grace
Noel’s Mom
For all the women out there in similar circumstances,
for Grace Noel,
and for all the millions of other babies aborted…
I
must add one more thing. While the ache
of loss and the regret of my decision will always be a part of me, I carry no
shame or guilt. Through the power and
sacrifice of the Lord Jesus Christ, God's unconditional love, super exceeding
grace, and overwhelming mercy have covered and washed away all guilt and shame
over my actions of the past. From those heavy burdens, I am certainly
free. Praise be to God! In Christ, *all* is forgiven.
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