Abortion Thoughts from August 2009

“To list THE major way that abortion has affected my life is difficult.  However, there is an inescapable and devastating sense of loss.  It is a desperate loss, because it is a loss that you can’t fix or fill.  And the fact that it was my decision and my doing that my baby is dead makes it all the worse.  I am only now beginning to fully see the huge impact that this has had upon me.   Even though, I know very well that God has forgiven me and His grace has covered it all, it is still difficult and painful.  I keep thinking that if God is really my all in all as I say He is, He would be enough to fill this aching emptiness and loss that I feel in my heart.  But maybe He doesn’t want to fill it completely.  This is part of who I am now and of the character that I have now.  I can rest assured that I am forgiven and walk in forgiveness and in His overwhelming grace.  But if I am to really be able to be empathetic and helpful to others in a similar situation, then I am not to be numb to this loss and emptiness.  No, as a mother, I will always feel this terrible loss of my first child, my little Grace Noel.  How I DESPERATELY long to go back and change what happened.  How I DESPERATELY long to go back and give life to little Grace Noel, to watch her grow up, to be her Mommy and love her like I have loved my other three children.  But I cannot.  It is too late.  I can only look forward to the day when, in the presence of God, Grace Noel and I and her daddy and her brothers and sister will greet each other and we’ll be able to speak our words of love.”  

(My thoughts in August 2009)